MEXICO IN MY HAIR

I was going to travel the world and take pictures of it.  A storage unit and a PO Box would be my “home” and my camera would be my best friend.  National Geographic would turn from a monthly subscription to inspiration into my ticket to ride and my pay to eat, aside from the free bugs and berries I found along the way.  

As I got older, things would meander in and out of that dream but nothing about it’s core ever really changed.  Things like jobs and friends and boys.  A long time boyfriend, who loved to write, was at one time my companion as we aspired to marry and share our lives as we trekked around the world.  He would write and I would photograph and all the angels would sing in perfect harmony.  But then we broke up.  In parting, I snatched my dream back, tucked it closely to my side and marched on, planning how to set up a tent alone and trying to remember the words to those catchy rhymes that taught you which snake was safe to eat and which one would kill you dead on the spot.

I loved knowing what I was going to do with my life.  I took classes in college, I bought really cool cameras on ebay and spent most of my free time perfecting my craft. 

I got pregnant.

At 22, with a budding career in private aviation and a tall drink of water for a boyfriend, I found out I was pregnant.  Of course, this was shocking and as unexpected as these things could be but…it wasn’t bad.  As I would smile and tell them how excited I was about the pending baby, their faces were twisted and weird.  Sometimes judgmental, sometimes confused but most of the time, the first response was “What about National Geographic?”

See God did this funny thing.  I wasn’t really “tight” with him at the age of 22.  I hadn’t been for quite some time.  If I was really honest, I would say that he was a packed-away afterthought in most of my days.  Until I had this little person growing in me.  I didn’t know what I was doing?  I could barely stop swearing let alone be in charge of building a precious little child’s moral character.

And how to answer that constant question at first reveal?  I didn’t feel like anything was lost…like anything was being taken away or that my dreams were crushed.  While I still didn’t know God in an intimate and personal way, he was wooing me.  I was excited to be a mom and, for some reason, knew that if I was supposed to be a photographer…it would happen.  

That was seven years ago.  That tall drink of water?  He’s my husband and I am his wife.  That little baby a brewin’…she’s one of three (soon to be four) and those kids are my everything.  Me and God?  We tight.  I set myself down for a second and realized my need for Him.  Lucky me, He was waiting with open arms and grace everlasting.  We talk all day, every day and He is slowly opening my eyes to how things are done in His world. 

National Geographic?  Photography?  God is so amazing.  While I continued to dabble in my love of the art, I never really felt a time to make it a career.  And I may never.  But with my kind husbands support and prompting, my loving God’s perfect timing and amazing people who give me nice compliments, I am able to practice my love-never-lost.  I may not be storing my belongings in a storage unit or calling home by PO Box 1122, but I get to go a few places and do a few things.  No moment’s notice trips or lizard tails over a rainforest campfire but this life He granted me…it’s way more exciting.  

As I prepared for bed the other night, I pulled the rubber band out of my dread-lock-like-locks to set it down and give my mane a rest.  It was the rubber band I pulled from the asparagus bundle I cooked for dinner in an attempt to quickly get the do out of my face.  Blue with Mexico written all over it.  Thought bubbles floated over head with images of mayan ruins, swimming with dolphins and underwater camera equipment carried by my photo team.  I didn’t long for it and I didn’t regret a single MOMENT in my life.  But…I tucked it close to my side and marched to bed.  If God wants me to be there, doing that…it will happen.  And if not?  Well…I am happy to just wear Mexico in my hair.

PS.  God helped me replace my swear words with a much better vocabulary.  Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t perfect…but credit to Him for as far as it has improved. 

AMY BALLARD

AMYBPHOTOGRAPHY.COM

WHO IS 'ME'? Part One - Your Past

Take the Journey of Self-Understanding

Having an understanding of one’s self is vitally important in life. Before you can have healthy relationships, communicate successfully, or lead respectfully – you need to get a handle on who you really are. You need to be able to recognize how you will react to disappointment, what triggers your stress and why, and what your defense mechanisms are and where they originate from….just to name a few.

There is a big difference between saying things like, “I’m Christie,” or “I’m a mother,” or “I’m a doctor” and saying, “I am a woman who believes every person has infinite value and should be treated likewise; I naturally lean towards independence but believe deeply in community; I know that I am no better than any other; I am passionate about life and I want to maximize my contributions.”

Someone once said, “The concept you accept as true is the concept that controls you.” Who do know yourself to be? This will be the first of a three-part series that looks at your past, then your present, and finally your future in order to discover who “me” is!

Journey to Your Past  

 Work through these at your own pace

• Where was I in my family’s birth order? (firstborn, middle , baby) And how did I feel about that?
• Name something I am proud of from my elementary years. Name something I am proud of from my teen years.
• State 3 childhood dreams. Do I still have any of these in some form?
• What was I afraid of growing up? Am I still?
• Who or what made me feel safe and loved as a kid? As a teen?
• Who did I share my secrets, dreams, or hurts with as I was growing up?
• What are 3 words I would use to describe myself as a child? As a teen?
• Using my immediate family, how am I similar to each one and how am I different from each one?
• Name 5 things within my family structure that impacted me the most growing up. How did they impact me then? How do they impact me now?
• Name 5 things outside of my family structure that impacted me the most growing up. How did they impact me then? How do they impact me now?
• What are 3-5 things I learned from my parents about how to love others? How to treat my spouse? How to raise my children?
• Is there someone from my past that I haven’t forgiven? Why am I still angry? Why does it still hurt?
• What did I learn from my dating years? What view of the opposite sex did I come away with from my teen years?
• What are 2-4 inner vows I made to myself growing up? (“I will …”, “I’ll never …”, I am going to make sure …”)

Understanding the past, your history, is to appreciate how your story began and gain insight to why your story is unfolding like it is at this point. You did not choose where you were born or who you were born to or how others treated you. You cannot control circumstances or be responsible for other people’s choices, but you have complete control over who you choose to be and how you choose to live today. You are influenced by your history but you are not defined by it.

Write your story. Live out your dreams. Become who you want to be. Choose what you want your next chapter to look like and keep growing in your understanding of yourself.

One of the healthiest things I ever did was to process my past, forgive others that I had blamed for far too much, forgive those who made painful choices that I paid for, and choose to learn about myself through it. 

My question for you is this – do you understand your past and how it has impacted you?  

I’d love to hear what you discover about yourself - please share it with me.

Christie Lee Rayburn

ChristieLeeRayburn.com

I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOyNOzCGZ1c 

Most children, around age 5, will answer the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ with an occupation like “A nurse” or “A race car driver”. All I ever wanted to be was loved. 

Being labeled with ADHD is where the story starts. The beginning of my quest to feel loved. I remember at age 5, realizing why many people in my life were so frustrated with me. See, my condition, caused more frustrating feelings toward me than it did loving, warm feelings. Those feelings of frustration were transferred to me over and over and over. As a child, teen, and young adult, those feelings defined me. They motivated my every decision.

“I just never saw how You could cherish me…”

When I turned 12 my need to feel loved became overwhelming, and I turned to boys.

From the age of 13 to 22 I had one “boyfriend” after another. I learned how to be exactly what they wanted me to be so that they would want to love me. I manipulated, used, and ultimately, no ones heart was broken more than mine. The hole in my heart was getting bigger and bigger.

After the age of eleven I had no close girlfriends, my need to feel loved trumped them. They only got in the way, and in my eyes they couldn’t fill the hole. Girls were judgmental, critical, and leery of me, and upon reflection, they had good reason. I used them just as much as I did the boys. Anything to get me closer to feeling loved.

I had no idea what was right and wrong in the world of relationships. I grew up with “do what feels right.” In those years of my life, what “felt right” was far from what God had planned for me.

“…didn’t You see what I’ve done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself away…”

In my early twenties, I was in another unhealthy relationship. We had been living together for some time and the turning point of my life was in a movie theater watching TITANIC. My then boyfriend leaned over to me and said “Wouldn’t it be cool if people could still love each other like that.” 

That is the first time I remember acknowledging that I was failing at acquiring love. That all my efforts, and manipulation and tactics weren’t working. I had nothing left in my bag of tricks. I had tried everything I could think of.

“…but its here I see the truth, I don’t deserve you…”

With the last of my stuff packed in my car driving away, I vowed to myself that there would be no more games. Authenticity was my new motto. I had no idea what that looked like or who I really was and I couldn’t wait to find both. On my way out of town, I had one more stop to make, One that would change my life forever. My cousin was going on a blind date and I needed to be there for support. Little did I know that the man she was meeting would end up being my husband 2 years later…(that God story is for a future blog).

“I have wasted so much time, pushing You away from me…”

With having only 2 years of my new found authenticity motto and still floundering my way through what that meant, I got married. I will never forget, what someone (who is supposed to be close to me) told me just before walking down the isle “Don’t screw this one up.” 

“I need You to love me…”

I marched right down that aisle putting all my hope in one man…my new husband. I just knew that he would be the one to sew up the gaping holes of my heart. FINALLY! Someone to love me. 

He did a great job of loving me but over time, it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get enough. The holes weren’t going away. I became needy, obsessive, and jealous. He loved me, and never did anything to hurt me. So why couldn’t I get full? Feeling defeated again, I began withdrawing from the relationship, and went out looking for answers.

In my search, I found another man. 

This man told me that He could heal my heart and didn’t care where I had been, it was where I went from here that mattered. He told me that it would be impossible to get enough of Him, and equally impossible for Him to get enough of me. That He desired a relationship. Not only did He want to know me, He wanted me to know Him… intimately. He said over and over how beautiful I was and that I added value to who He is. 

Do you know him? 

“Your love makes me forget what I have been…”

I know that this man is in a relationship with many people, yet He makes me feel like I am the only one, that I am the most special. He told me that there is no one like me and that I bring Him joy. He delights in me (giggle). He came for me.

He set me free from believing that I didn’t belong, He placed inside me passions and hungers that I never knew existed before. He showed me gifts that He had given me long ago and asked me to use them. He took the lies I believed about myself, broke them into a million pieces and gave me the truths.  

“Your love makes me see who I really am”

He came at just the right time.

Just in time to save my marriage from ME. He showed me that I was the problem, but broke it to me gently. He picked me up, repaired my heart, and showed me what He intended for my marriage to look like. He encouraged me to stick with it when it got tough and rewarded me when it got good. He has been with me the whole way. 

I have an incredible marriage because I invited Jesus Christ into it. My husband could never have filled those holes because, as perfect as he is for me, he is still not perfect. My wounds could only be healed by a perfect God

“Cuz you’re a God who has all things and still you want me!”

Do you know this perfect love?

Do you have wounds you can’t seem to mend on your own?

Can you relate? 

I’d like to hear from you. 

ADRIAN KASHPORENKO

CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL

Yes, it is ... and here was a page  out of my personal journal recently. Perhaps you might be able to identify ...

Almighty & All-Powerful “I AM”, 

I don’t need to be convinced of my ‘dirtiness’ or my ‘ugliness’ - my sinful heart is so real to me - and so I cry out to You ...

~ I confess becoming too casual with sin.

~ I confess my distraction of being pre-occupied with myself.

~ I confess that my ears have been more ‘in tune’ with noise than with Your Voice.

~ I confess my lack of self-control, my binging, and my selfishness.

~ I confess too much concern with trying to win favor from others.

~ I confess my pride that causes me to argue or critique rather than question and explore.

I could never stand before You in my “Christieness.” No one could. But I come to You in the robe of righteousness from the blood of Jesus.... that covering - I will base my whole life upon! That purity is what gives me peace.

Your full redemption settles every sin in my life - it secures my present & my future. I am eternally indebted!

Please know that I am hungry to be close to You -

                                                                   I am thirsty to do what is right.

Christie Lee

What difference does confession make in your life? Please tell me.

Christie Lee Rayburn

ChristieLeeRayburn.com

A MIRACLE

On Saturday, January 29, 2011 I witnessed a miracle. Bryan and Ikuko Leider allowed me to be present at the birth of their sweet second daughter, Ayaka Leider. This was the first time I had ever been this close to a woman giving birth, and it took my breath away. 

I think Iku was trying to trick me into thinking labor is no big deal, and she did a fabulous job. She was so calm and collected that without the hospital gown and the heart monitor you might have thought she was only climbing a particularly steep hill or chasing after her 2 year old, Ayumi. 

After hours of contractions and minutes of pushing, Ayaka greeted us all with her newborn screaming – music to our ears. I couldn’t get enough of her teeny tiny fingers, toes, and nose. I loved watching as she was passed around the room to meet all the people who already love her. 

I hope memories of your own miracles are washing over you right now – whether they include children or not. And I pray today you will see God working in and around you.

LINDSAY HALE

IMPERFECT IS THE NEW PERFECT

My daughter is a natural born giver. Eric and I figured this out when she was two and all the toys began to disappear from the toy box as guest after guest was treated to a gift at the end of each play-date.

I have to admit that this baffled me greatly, for if you know anything about the concept of Love Languages, gift giving is on the bottom of my list. I am much more likely to show you that I really like you by demonstrating all the other Love Languages before you get a present or card from me. It just isn’t a big thing.

So when Riley began giving away gifts that she herself had been given for Christmas and her birthday, Eric and I had to have a serious conversion. Were we going to allow this behaviour to continue? How important was cultivating this instinct in our daughter to us? Was encouraging a spirit of generosity and demonstration of love for her friends more important that the money we (and others) had poured into stuff for our kid over the years?

We decided on a compromise. First, we laid ground rules on which items could be given away. For instance, she was not allowed to give away “sentimental” gifts such as presents that her grandparents had lovingly picked out for her. Secondly, we encouraged her to make gifts for her friends. After deciding on this framework, Riley’s friends (or their moms) often left with a stuffed animal wrapped in hand-made wrapping paper and card. It worked.

Just last week, as she headed off to her Mandarin lessons, she decided that she needed to give her teacher a New Year’s gift. So, working with what she had available because class was starting in 20 minutes, she put together a baggie of chocolates and then put a sprig of our (very dead) Christmas tree in the knot of the baggie.

It looked, well, horrid.

I have to be honest, the Southern girl in me used to cringe when she would give gifts that looked like this. You see, I was brought up that if the gift was not presented perfectly, then it should not be given until you can make it look better. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well – right?

But that misses the heart of giving. Stopping Riley and telling her that her gift didn’t look good enough would totally crush her and undermine the spirit of what she was trying to do.

And so, slowly and painfully, I have learned over the years not to spend too much time and energy worrying about the recipient’s reaction to Riley’s hodge-podge style of giving. In this most recent example, Riley made a gift comprised of candies that she had been given during the holiday season, decorated it and gave it to her teacher with much love. Who cares if the teacher was bothered by the dead tree attached to it?! Who cares if she is deep into her New Year’s resolution to lose weight and chocolate is the last thing she wants right now?!

As I was thinking more about this, it dawned on me that by the time Riley reaches adulthood, she is going to be a Gift-giver Supreme because she has had so many years of practice. Years in which she could give gifts that look, well, horrid and it was ok because she was learning to give. Since she is given the freedom to express her love, she will get better and better at the presentation as the years go on. And truth be told, she is already miles ahead on her presentation skills from several years ago.

It might be easy to read this post and think, “Well of course, she is six!”

But do you have this much patience for your spouse? When they are trying to acquire new skills in your relationship – new skills which will ultimately make your relationship better – do you allow them to express themselves as adequately as they can or do you get frustrated because it doesn’t look right…or isn’t presented the way you would do it…or isn’t wrapped perfectly?

I find that far too often couples get impatient when asking their partner for change. They will:

1. Wait until they are nearly exploding from frustration over an issue.
2. Ask their partner for change (read: demand change).
3. Expect immediate perfection (and note that “perfection” is usually defined as the way they want things done) when the partner makes the attempt to change.

This is crazy. Any skill set takes a while to learn but no one wants to learn when they are being criticized every step of the way. So give each other space and time to grow. Allow your spouse to try, even if it is awkwardly, and don’t allow yourself to listen to those inner thoughts that say, “It isn’t good enough.” Rejoice in the child-like steps that your spouse will take in his/her attempt to make the changes you have requested.  Because you know what “good enough” looks like to you – but they don’t – and your partner probably has to work hard to achieve your expectation of “good enough”.   And that kind of work takes time, patience and encouragement – from both sides!

So while they work on changing something, you can spend your time and effort creating an environment that encourages and rewards the effort – not just the perfection!

ERYN-FAYE FRANS

Canada's Passion Coach®

http://www.erynfaye.com

PERSPECTIVE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

... With perspective, an all-consuming problem becomes a season of life that will not last forever. An enormous hurt transforms into an opportunity to grow and learn about God’s character. A small gift explodes into life-changing encouragement. An ordinary conversation translates into confirmation that life is a treasure.

Perspective is not glossing over hurt or hardship and putting on a happy face. Rather, it is giving yourself the opportunity to appreciate blessings that are so easily taken for granted. 

The quickest way I have found to adjust my perspective is to make a list of everything I am thankful for:

• A husband who rubs my back and likes folding laundry
• Generous friends
• A sister who understands my rather odd musical inclinations
• Sunshine
• The chameleon from Tangled (Yes, I am thankful for Pascal.)
• Old books with intricately designed covers and worn, brown pages
• Photography
• The God who pursues me and wants me no matter what and who made everything else in the list possible (even Pascal).

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” - Wayne Dyer

LINDSAY HALE