Friday, May 13, 2011


Most children, around age 5, will answer the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ with an occupation like “A nurse” or “A race car driver”. All I ever wanted to be was loved. 
Being labeled with ADHD is where the story starts. The beginning of my quest to feel loved. I remember at age 5, realizing why many people in my life were so frustrated with me. See, my condition, caused more frustrating feelings toward me than it did loving, warm feelings. Those feelings of frustration were transferred to me over and over and over. As a child, teen, and young adult, those feelings defined me. They motivated my every decision.
“I just never saw how You could cherish me…”

When I turned 12 my need to feel loved became overwhelming, and I turned to boys.
From the age of 13 to 22 I had one “boyfriend” after another. I learned how to be exactly what they wanted me to be so that they would want to love me. I manipulated, used, and ultimately, no ones heart was broken more than mine. The hole in my heart was getting bigger and bigger.
After the age of eleven I had no close girlfriends, my need to feel loved trumped them. They only got in the way, and in my eyes they couldn’t fill the hole. Girls were judgmental, critical, and leery of me, and upon reflection, they had good reason. I used them just as much as I did the boys. Anything to get me closer to feeling loved.
I had no idea what was right and wrong in the world of relationships. I grew up with “do what feels right.” In those years of my life, what “felt right” was far from what God had planned for me.
“…didn’t You see what I’ve done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself away…”

In my early twenties, I was in another unhealthy relationship. We had been living together for some time and the turning point of my life was in a movie theater watching TITANIC. My then boyfriend leaned over to me and said “Wouldn’t it be cool if people could still love each other like that.” 
That is the first time I remember acknowledging that I was failing at acquiring love. That all my efforts, and manipulation and tactics weren’t working. I had nothing left in my bag of tricks. I had tried everything I could think of.
“…but its here I see the truth, I don’t deserve you…”
With the last of my stuff packed in my car driving away, I vowed to myself that there would be no more games. Authenticity was my new motto. I had no idea what that looked like or who I really was and I couldn’t wait to find both. On my way out of town, I had one more stop to make, One that would change my life forever. My cousin was going on a blind date and I needed to be there for support. Little did I know that the man she was meeting would end up being my husband 2 years later…(that God story is for a future blog).
“I have wasted so much time, pushing You away from me…”

With having only 2 years of my new found authenticity motto and still floundering my way through what that meant, I got married. I will never forget, what someone (who is supposed to be close to me) told me just before walking down the isle “Don’t screw this one up.” 
“I need You to love me…”
I marched right down that aisle putting all my hope in one man…my new husband. I just knew that he would be the one to sew up the gaping holes of my heart. FINALLY! Someone to love me. 
He did a great job of loving me but over time, it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get enough. The holes weren’t going away. I became needy, obsessive, and jealous. He loved me, and never did anything to hurt me. So why couldn’t I get full? Feeling defeated again, I began withdrawing from the relationship, and went out looking for answers.
In my search, I found another man. 
This man told me that He could heal my heart and didn’t care where I had been, it was where I went from here that mattered. He told me that it would be impossible to get enough of Him, and equally impossible for Him to get enough of me. That He desired a relationship. Not only did He want to know me, He wanted me to know Him… intimately. He said over and over how beautiful I was and that I added value to who He is. 
Do you know him? 
“Your love makes me forget what I have been…”

I know that this man is in a relationship with many people, yet He makes me feel like I am the only one, that I am the most special. He told me that there is no one like me and that I bring Him joy. He delights in me (giggle). He came for me.
He set me free from believing that I didn’t belong, He placed inside me passions and hungers that I never knew existed before. He showed me gifts that He had given me long ago and asked me to use them. He took the lies I believed about myself, broke them into a million pieces and gave me the truths.  
“Your love makes me see who I really am”

He came at just the right time.
Just in time to save my marriage from ME. He showed me that I was the problem, but broke it to me gently. He picked me up, repaired my heart, and showed me what He intended for my marriage to look like. He encouraged me to stick with it when it got tough and rewarded me when it got good. He has been with me the whole way. 

I have an incredible marriage because I invited Jesus Christ into it. My husband could never have filled those holes because, as perfect as he is for me, he is still not perfect. My wounds could only be healed by a perfect God
“Cuz you’re a God who has all things and still you want me!”
Do you know this perfect love?
Do you have wounds you can’t seem to mend on your own?
Can you relate? 
I’d like to hear from you. 


1 comment:

  1. More importantly: Are showing love to someone who is hard to love? Jesus would. Who are you willing to start showing love to? I would love to be encouraged by what you have to say...