PARENTS NEED TO GET A LIFE

I’m tired of it. The saintly, June Cleaver-ish, I-simply-exist-to-service-my-children-and-husband ideal that I keep running into. There’s a religious version. And an organic-hippie version. And a sleek, modern-day tiger-mom version. And yes, even a special needs, therapy-is-our-life version. Their parenting may look very different from each other, but they are all entirely consumed by it. And it’s not just the women. They’re martyr parents.

In this day and age, parenting is the last bastion of acceptable nobility. We no longer expect to lay down our freedom, our identity, our dreams… our lives on the altar of marriage, or country, or vocation. But when Jr. Me arrives on the scene, we’re prepared to gift wrap all of the above. And pat ourselves on the back for doing it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of selflessness. It’s something our culture could use more of. It’s something I could use more of. But good parenting is about a lot more than sacrifice.

To clarify, I’m talking to good parents here. Not the pseudo-adolescents who barely show up, much less engage their offspring. Nor the workaholic yuppie with a trophy child they stash away until family photo day rolls around.

The rest of us. Most of us. Regular folks who desperately love our kids and feel desperately overwhelmed and underqualified a lot of the time.

To compensate, we read more. We do more. We sleep less. We are the hardest-trying generation of parents who have ever lived.

And sometimes we forget that good parenting isn’t about giving more, it’s about being wise.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a long haul. And we need to conserve our energy and recharge our batteries from time to time. That’s not selfish; that’s smart.

The Center-of-the-Universe is subpar housing. No one should live there. Certainly not an impressionable child. The most miserable adults began as children who believed they deserved what THEY wanted, when THEY wanted it, no matter the cost to others. It is good for children to wait, to pitch in, and to sacrifice for others, especially their parents. It builds this old fashioned thing called respect.

Kids grow up. Ouch. I know. And it happens so fast. Which makes you want to soak it in as much as you can (unless they’re really whiney; then you send them to visit the Grandparents). But someday when they need you a little less, or when they are grown and gone, your life will go on. If you have no life anymore, you are in for a shock. You are more than just a parent.

Life is happening now. Life can’t be put “on hold” until your busy child-rearing years are over. Although we are technically “adults,” we are still growing and learning and becoming. If we neglect ourselves we will be stunted phsyically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually. One of the worst mistakes a parent can make is to sacrifice the health of their marriage to the immediate needs of the shortest family members. In the end, everyone suffers for that.

Whatever stage in life you are at, whatever unique circumstances you find yourself in… find something that is your own. In those first few crazy weeks/months, that might be nothing more than a quick, hot shower. Take it. Own it. It’s good for you. And that’s good for them. A good parent has their own life.

The week our baby girl was diagnosed with Down syndrome, we met with the hospital social worker. She handed us stacks of brochures and articles and tax benefit forms. But the best thing she gave us (apart from heartfelt congratulations) was this advice:

“Don’t change your whole life for her; let her fit into yours.”

Down syndrome will always be a part of her life, but we don’t build her life around it. Down syndrome will always be a part of our lives, but we don’t build our family around it.

Nor do we build it around our son’s adoption or his special needs. Or our eldest daughter’s consuming passion for dance. Or our 10-year-old’s absolutely-essential, must-have-or-she’ll-never-be-happy-again, latest trend/toy/hobby/obsession. In our family, everyone gets to have a life.

A good parent gives selflessly and sacrifices and often puts their kids first, but NOT always. A good parent has hobbies and friendships and goals and needs. A good parent goes on dates and takes long hot baths and reads books and takes holidays. A good parent can say NO, and a good parent actually does.

So here’s me, and I’m my own person.

CHRISTIE HOOS

So Here's Us

THE NIGHT I FAINTED

Fainting Goat

Over the Easter weekend, I fainted for the first time. I was at a party celebrating the recent wedding of a dear friend, in a room full of strangers (the bride was the only one I knew), and having a thoroughly delightful time. During the speeches, we all gathered around in a circle and talked about how we knew the happy couple and what we enjoyed about them. It was lovely.

But, as time went on, I got warm. And then very warm. And then hot. As the speeches concluded, I turned to Eric and reached for his hand. He smiled at me and I said, “I am going to need your help.” But evidently, that request only took place in my mind. I didn’t have a chance to get the words out before my vision darkened.

The next thing I remember is lying on the floor with Eric saying to me, “Eryn-Faye, are you with me? Are you with me?” I was a bit annoyed because I felt as though I was being woken up from a very nice dream. Until I realized I was still at the party and there were about 30 people looking anxiously at me. To say that I was dazed and confused is an understatement.

The paramedics came and checked me out, and declared that it seemed to be a simple case of getting over heated while standing for a period of time. (It is also worth pointing out that although I had eaten dinner before the party, I hadn’t had a tremendous amount of food during the day. I was pretty engrossed in reading The Hunger Games and had forgotten to eat. Which is odd, considering the main character of the book is always talking about being hungry. But I digress.)

As I reflect on this mini-adventure, there are two lessons that I think are worth sharing with you – lessons that we can apply to all areas of our lives.

1)   I took too long to acknowledge that I needed help. Here’s the truth: I knew I really wasn’t doing well about 4 minutes before I fainted. I knew I needed to sit down but I wanted to tough it out. I didn’t want to interrupt the speeches by walking though the people to find a seat. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. (In hindsight, this is quite amusing considering how much focus I ended up attracting.) By the time I turned to Eric, I was physically incapable of asking for help, and I was going down.

2)   There are people who choose to be comfortable with discomfort. After I was moved to another room, with the windows open so that I could get some air, there were several people from the party – again, people I didn’t know – who came to check on me. They offered simple expressions – a warm smile, an inquiry on how I was doing, a pat on the shoulder – and yet those expressions were laden with meaning. It is awkward when you are having a fun social event and someone faints, or has a seizure, or something worse. It pushes our buttons. Silently, we are thinking, “What if that could happen to me? What is wrong with her? I would just die if that happened.” It makes us deeply uncomfortable. And yet, there are people who can get past their own discomfort and move in close to extend gifts of kindness, compassion and empathy.

Here’s the take away: Do you need to ask for help in your marriage, your sex life or even just for you? Are you waiting too long, thinking that you can hold out just a bit longer and not draw uncomfortable attention to yourself? Do you need to be asking right now, so that you greatly decrease your odds of ending up on the floor?

Secondly, are you the type of person who comes close to others in times of discomfort, in times of pain, in times of embarrassment?  Are you willing to link arms with that person and say, “Let’s do this together.” Are you prepared, as one person did, to share stories of times when you have been in similar situations?

Here’s what fainting taught me: I need to learn to ask for help faster, but I also need people around me who are comfortable with discomfort.

And I need to be that person to others.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, Canada's Passion Coach ®

ErynFaye.com

I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOyNOzCGZ1c 

Most children, around age 5, will answer the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ with an occupation like “A nurse” or “A race car driver”. All I ever wanted to be was loved. 

Being labeled with ADHD is where the story starts. The beginning of my quest to feel loved. I remember at age 5, realizing why many people in my life were so frustrated with me. See, my condition, caused more frustrating feelings toward me than it did loving, warm feelings. Those feelings of frustration were transferred to me over and over and over. As a child, teen, and young adult, those feelings defined me. They motivated my every decision.

“I just never saw how You could cherish me…”

When I turned 12 my need to feel loved became overwhelming, and I turned to boys.

From the age of 13 to 22 I had one “boyfriend” after another. I learned how to be exactly what they wanted me to be so that they would want to love me. I manipulated, used, and ultimately, no ones heart was broken more than mine. The hole in my heart was getting bigger and bigger.

After the age of eleven I had no close girlfriends, my need to feel loved trumped them. They only got in the way, and in my eyes they couldn’t fill the hole. Girls were judgmental, critical, and leery of me, and upon reflection, they had good reason. I used them just as much as I did the boys. Anything to get me closer to feeling loved.

I had no idea what was right and wrong in the world of relationships. I grew up with “do what feels right.” In those years of my life, what “felt right” was far from what God had planned for me.

“…didn’t You see what I’ve done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself away…”

In my early twenties, I was in another unhealthy relationship. We had been living together for some time and the turning point of my life was in a movie theater watching TITANIC. My then boyfriend leaned over to me and said “Wouldn’t it be cool if people could still love each other like that.” 

That is the first time I remember acknowledging that I was failing at acquiring love. That all my efforts, and manipulation and tactics weren’t working. I had nothing left in my bag of tricks. I had tried everything I could think of.

“…but its here I see the truth, I don’t deserve you…”

With the last of my stuff packed in my car driving away, I vowed to myself that there would be no more games. Authenticity was my new motto. I had no idea what that looked like or who I really was and I couldn’t wait to find both. On my way out of town, I had one more stop to make, One that would change my life forever. My cousin was going on a blind date and I needed to be there for support. Little did I know that the man she was meeting would end up being my husband 2 years later…(that God story is for a future blog).

“I have wasted so much time, pushing You away from me…”

With having only 2 years of my new found authenticity motto and still floundering my way through what that meant, I got married. I will never forget, what someone (who is supposed to be close to me) told me just before walking down the isle “Don’t screw this one up.” 

“I need You to love me…”

I marched right down that aisle putting all my hope in one man…my new husband. I just knew that he would be the one to sew up the gaping holes of my heart. FINALLY! Someone to love me. 

He did a great job of loving me but over time, it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get enough. The holes weren’t going away. I became needy, obsessive, and jealous. He loved me, and never did anything to hurt me. So why couldn’t I get full? Feeling defeated again, I began withdrawing from the relationship, and went out looking for answers.

In my search, I found another man. 

This man told me that He could heal my heart and didn’t care where I had been, it was where I went from here that mattered. He told me that it would be impossible to get enough of Him, and equally impossible for Him to get enough of me. That He desired a relationship. Not only did He want to know me, He wanted me to know Him… intimately. He said over and over how beautiful I was and that I added value to who He is. 

Do you know him? 

“Your love makes me forget what I have been…”

I know that this man is in a relationship with many people, yet He makes me feel like I am the only one, that I am the most special. He told me that there is no one like me and that I bring Him joy. He delights in me (giggle). He came for me.

He set me free from believing that I didn’t belong, He placed inside me passions and hungers that I never knew existed before. He showed me gifts that He had given me long ago and asked me to use them. He took the lies I believed about myself, broke them into a million pieces and gave me the truths.  

“Your love makes me see who I really am”

He came at just the right time.

Just in time to save my marriage from ME. He showed me that I was the problem, but broke it to me gently. He picked me up, repaired my heart, and showed me what He intended for my marriage to look like. He encouraged me to stick with it when it got tough and rewarded me when it got good. He has been with me the whole way. 

I have an incredible marriage because I invited Jesus Christ into it. My husband could never have filled those holes because, as perfect as he is for me, he is still not perfect. My wounds could only be healed by a perfect God

“Cuz you’re a God who has all things and still you want me!”

Do you know this perfect love?

Do you have wounds you can’t seem to mend on your own?

Can you relate? 

I’d like to hear from you. 

ADRIAN KASHPORENKO