9/11 - WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

My parents grew up in the generation that could tell you exactly what they were doing the day JFK was shot. My mom was working in Berkeley, California when she tried to use the phone and was told none of the employees could use the phones. How odd - within 30 minutes, talk was spreading like wildfire that the President had been shot! Within another hour everyone was sent home in shock learning their President had died. And I am part of the adult generation who can tell you exactly what they were doing the day two airplanes flew into the Twin Towers.

I was making the bed in our master bedroom and hadn’t had the TV on all morning when I got a call from my husband. His tone told me something horrific and huge had just happened as he said, “Christie, do you have the news on right now? Turn the TV on! You’re not going to believe it!” As I turned on the Today Show I remember seeing the footage of the first airplane flying into one of the buildings and thinking …. How can this be real? What on earth is going on? I remember calling him back and both of us reeling in shock and fighting the tears.

As the day unraveled, I learned of the third plane that crashed into the Pentagon ... And then the fourth plane that didn’t make it to Washington, DC because of some amazing heroic American citizens! It was terribly hard to make sense of all the emotions and conflicting thoughts. 

  “How could anybody penetrate our country’s intelligence and defense?”

  “Lord, please keep people alive in that rubble until help gets there.”

  “I want vengeance and I want it now.”

  “Where can I get an American flag for my car, my house, my yard?”

  “I need to call my family and tell them how much each one means to me.”

  “I feel utterly vulnerable.”

  “I can’t stop hurting for all the breaking hearts that have no one coming home tonight.”

  “What senseless tragedy!”

Personally, I don’t believe that life is fair or always makes sense. But I do believe that each of us can learn and can grow from every experience in our lifetime. So, instead of remembering what each of us was doing the moment 9/11 became historical, I want to remember what I’ve learned from that day and how I can be a better woman because of living through it.   

~ I have learned that security doesn’t come from believing your borders are impregnable. True security is found within me. His name is Jesus. 

~ I have been challenged to be willing to stand against anyone or anything that wants to hijack my life … even if it means dying in the process.

~ And I have been reminded that each day is not a right but a gift – and my greatest gifts are the ones that I come home to every night!

What about you? What were you doing on 9/11? But even more importantly, what have you learned from 9/11?  

CHRISTIE LEE RAYBURN

ChristieLeeRayburn.com

IMPERFECT IS THE NEW PERFECT

My daughter is a natural born giver. Eric and I figured this out when she was two and all the toys began to disappear from the toy box as guest after guest was treated to a gift at the end of each play-date.

I have to admit that this baffled me greatly, for if you know anything about the concept of Love Languages, gift giving is on the bottom of my list. I am much more likely to show you that I really like you by demonstrating all the other Love Languages before you get a present or card from me. It just isn’t a big thing.

So when Riley began giving away gifts that she herself had been given for Christmas and her birthday, Eric and I had to have a serious conversion. Were we going to allow this behaviour to continue? How important was cultivating this instinct in our daughter to us? Was encouraging a spirit of generosity and demonstration of love for her friends more important that the money we (and others) had poured into stuff for our kid over the years?

We decided on a compromise. First, we laid ground rules on which items could be given away. For instance, she was not allowed to give away “sentimental” gifts such as presents that her grandparents had lovingly picked out for her. Secondly, we encouraged her to make gifts for her friends. After deciding on this framework, Riley’s friends (or their moms) often left with a stuffed animal wrapped in hand-made wrapping paper and card. It worked.

Just last week, as she headed off to her Mandarin lessons, she decided that she needed to give her teacher a New Year’s gift. So, working with what she had available because class was starting in 20 minutes, she put together a baggie of chocolates and then put a sprig of our (very dead) Christmas tree in the knot of the baggie.

It looked, well, horrid.

I have to be honest, the Southern girl in me used to cringe when she would give gifts that looked like this. You see, I was brought up that if the gift was not presented perfectly, then it should not be given until you can make it look better. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well – right?

But that misses the heart of giving. Stopping Riley and telling her that her gift didn’t look good enough would totally crush her and undermine the spirit of what she was trying to do.

And so, slowly and painfully, I have learned over the years not to spend too much time and energy worrying about the recipient’s reaction to Riley’s hodge-podge style of giving. In this most recent example, Riley made a gift comprised of candies that she had been given during the holiday season, decorated it and gave it to her teacher with much love. Who cares if the teacher was bothered by the dead tree attached to it?! Who cares if she is deep into her New Year’s resolution to lose weight and chocolate is the last thing she wants right now?!

As I was thinking more about this, it dawned on me that by the time Riley reaches adulthood, she is going to be a Gift-giver Supreme because she has had so many years of practice. Years in which she could give gifts that look, well, horrid and it was ok because she was learning to give. Since she is given the freedom to express her love, she will get better and better at the presentation as the years go on. And truth be told, she is already miles ahead on her presentation skills from several years ago.

It might be easy to read this post and think, “Well of course, she is six!”

But do you have this much patience for your spouse? When they are trying to acquire new skills in your relationship – new skills which will ultimately make your relationship better – do you allow them to express themselves as adequately as they can or do you get frustrated because it doesn’t look right…or isn’t presented the way you would do it…or isn’t wrapped perfectly?

I find that far too often couples get impatient when asking their partner for change. They will:

1. Wait until they are nearly exploding from frustration over an issue.
2. Ask their partner for change (read: demand change).
3. Expect immediate perfection (and note that “perfection” is usually defined as the way they want things done) when the partner makes the attempt to change.

This is crazy. Any skill set takes a while to learn but no one wants to learn when they are being criticized every step of the way. So give each other space and time to grow. Allow your spouse to try, even if it is awkwardly, and don’t allow yourself to listen to those inner thoughts that say, “It isn’t good enough.” Rejoice in the child-like steps that your spouse will take in his/her attempt to make the changes you have requested.  Because you know what “good enough” looks like to you – but they don’t – and your partner probably has to work hard to achieve your expectation of “good enough”.   And that kind of work takes time, patience and encouragement – from both sides!

So while they work on changing something, you can spend your time and effort creating an environment that encourages and rewards the effort – not just the perfection!

ERYN-FAYE FRANS

Canada's Passion Coach®

http://www.erynfaye.com

THE DAFFODIL

The other day a coworker of mine brought me a daffodil. Just one extra yellow, long stemmed, wonderful daffodil. I think she bought it for a dollar from a homeless woman outside of our office building.

That daffodil revolutionized my day. 

I would gaze at it and my face would break into the biggest grin. I was friendlier and more outgoing for the rest of the day. On my way home, I held my daffodil out against the backdrop of concrete buildings and sidewalks and cars and people - astonished at how beautifully my simple yellow flower stood out against a normal, grey, Seattle day. I sniffed the daffodil about every five seconds on the bus, burying my nose into the petals and smiling to myself. My heart was full from one person reaching out to me in a small, oh-so-sweet way.

Can you believe the effect of that little gift? I’m not sure if my coworker faced these same anxieties, but if I was her I might have thought about how nice it would be to give someone a flower, but that’s where I would have stopped - at a nice idea. I would have scared myself out of following through by thinking: “one flower is too small - it has to be a bouquet or the receiver will think you’re cheap,” or “you don’t know her that well - she will think you’re weird for giving her a gift.” 

After realizing what a blessing an unexpected gift was to me, I am learning to be aware of opportunities to encourage someone else and brave enough to follow through.

LINDSAY HALE