Monday, July 11, 2011


I recently became aware of a deficiency I have. I can’t interact with other women without feeling lousy about myself, without completely convincing myself that they hate me, or think I’m annoying, or…well, that they would just rather be somewhere else than talking to me. 
“She’s independent and beautiful, wish I could be like her…”

In 2004 I started trying to lead this ‘different’, Christian, life which means giving up my old ways and surrounding myself with new…right? I turned away from wanting the attention of men and have realized that I put so much energy into ‘appropriate’ boundaries with men that I never started figuring out how to interact with other women. Don’t get me wrong, I have a few very close friends but that is due, mostly, to their efforts and was eventually reciprocated by me. My friendships are chalk full of me admitting my faults before they are found out…that way it’s not to disappointing when I fall short.
Thinking about being the ‘old’ me makes me sick, and being here in the new me…can be lonely. When I am around other women, I don’t look for their faults or see what they are wearing, or how big or small they are or if their hair is perfect. My common sense tells me that most women are like that…but the insecure, irrational side of me says that women have super powers and can see strait into my soul. I assume they will not like what they see. My first thought is ‘Why would someone like her, ever want to be friends with someone like me”
“…Rumor is she’s some kind of dream, nobody knows she cry’s herself to sleep.”
Most of my insecurities come from where other women are in their lives. The perception that they are more spiritual, they have a higher ‘status’, more money, better education, more manners…and a million other ‘more’s’ What I fail to see is that, we are all women and, when you strip everything away we all long for a connection for acceptance for unconditional love.
“We are not that different from each other.”
Last summer I spent some time in a bible study with a group of women. I had the privilege of leading one of the sessions. I had them do an ice breaker where there was a line drawn in the middle of the room and they were to go to one side or the other depending on the options. We started out with shallow things like long hair/short hair and went to deeper more emotional things…ending with I have insecurities/I am completely secure in who I am. Every single women was on the ‘I have insecurities’ side. It was the one thing we all had in common. Is sharing your life with other women something you struggle with? 
“We just want somebody to discover, who we really are when we drop our guard.”
Everything that God tells me is that He made me and I am good. That He gave me everything I need to make it in this world AND have a relationship with Him. He tells me that I am…just the way He wanted me. So I go, with both feet in, and the mantra “Just be yourself”
“…love has got to start with you and me”
This blog post is my first step at addressing and dealing with these insecurities. Until now they have been my secret. Every interaction I’ve had in the last couple of weeks has made me more and more aware of this problem. That means, it’s time to deal with it head on. What I am hoping for is, that maybe someone else needs to go on this journey too? That maybe I’m not alone in feeling this way? 
“…We gotta come together, you know you never ever have to be alone. You have a hand to hold..”

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