HOW DO YOU BLOW YOUR MARRIAGE?

Here is my radio interview with Susan Knight of Calgary’s up!97.7 FM today:

On her radio show this afternoon, Susan Knight mentioned a blog post by Single Dad Laughing. Having two divorces under his belt, the author wrote a post on 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage. I think it is a fabulous piece because it gives us all the opportunity to look at our relationships and see where we are “blowing” it right now, but it also gives us tools to make things better.

Single Dad Laughing (aka Dan Pearce) has some great insight, and I highly recommend you read the blog for yourself. But before you do, let me highlight a few take-aways from his list.

1)   The little things are important. You know how we are always told not to sweat the small stuff? Well, the small stuff is important in marriage because a bunch of small stuff accumulates into big stuff over time. Remembering to hold hands, putting effort into staying attractive, making meals and letting your spouse know you appreciate him – that might seem small in the moment but it has a huge impact on a long-term relationship.

2)   Get rid of contempt. Yelling, name-calling, and believing you are better than your spouse are all signs of contempt in your relationship. According to Dr. John Gottman (who claims to predict divorce with 93% accuracy), contempt is the fast-track to divorce. So stop calling your spouse a jerk or pointing out all his faults…it’s not a productive way to let out your frustration.

3)   You have got to laugh! Laughter (often prevalent in the infancy of our relationship) is absolutely crucial to its well-being. Pearce mentions that you have to have fun together, and while I agree whole-heartedly, I would take this a step further. Laughter releases endorphins in our brains and makes us feel closer together. So, instead of fighting, trying watching a funny movie or going to a comedy show together instead. When we are laughing with each other, it is a lot easier to sort through the tough stuff in our marriage.

Thanks for bringing Pearce’s post to my attention, Susan! The rest of you can go read it for yourselves here.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, Canada's Passion Coach®

Eryn-Faye.Com

SAYING "I LOVE YOU" WITHOUT THE WORDS

Here is my radio interview today with Susan Knight of Calgary’s up! 97.7 FM:

Several years ago, I attended Michele Weiner Davis’ course, Divorce Busting® Intensive for Professionals. We buckled down for days, and from 8:30-5:00 every day, we talked about techniques to help couples on the brink of divorce resolve their differences.

One of the stories that she shared was of herself as a young wife. She got married in the 70′s when the modern woman was emerging and this culture was the filter through which she viewed her marriage. She didn’t need to cook for her husband – she was too busy building her career! As the kids arrived, she realized that she had to do something to get some nutrition in them, so she began to ensure that there was actually food on the table when they got home. What she was quite shocked by was her husband’s reaction to her new-found culinary skills. He would smell the food wafting through the house when he arrived home and gave her the most enthusiastic of responses! As she thought about this reaction, she began to realize that his mother was a superb cook. In fact, at family gatherings, the table was covered with all sorts of dishes to enjoy. Because of the way he was raised, Michele’s husband felt loved when she put an effort into cooking!

Inadvertently, Michele had stumbled upon a concept which she now shares with all the couples that she meets – Real Giving. Real giving occurs when we give to our spouses something that we know they will like. It might be a hug when they are being particularly ornery. It might be tidying the house even though you are exhausted and want to go to bed. It might be starting up the car on a cold winter day so it can warm up before your spouse gets in it. It might mean filling up the gas tank in your spouse’s car. It might mean sitting eye to eye and having a conversation. Or it might mean letting them go for a night out with their friends.

It might not seem natural, come easily, or even feel like it is a big deal to us, but we must learn to recognize what our spouse sees as important loving acts and do them. It’s not about sacrificing for our spouse; it’s about showing them love.

In his groundbreaking book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman wrote of this important concept. In this book, he theorized that people have one of five “languages” in which they speak love to their partners. They are:

• Words of Affirmation (telling your spouse through verbal or written language how much they mean to you, how good they look, what you love about them, etc.)
• Physical Touch (reaching out to have physical contact with your spouse)
• Acts of Service (pitching in to help your spouse doing things such as running errands or household chores)
• Quality Time (having undivided attention and spending alone time with each other)
• Gift Giving (giving gifts of other tangible expressions of love to your spouse)

Frequently, spouses speak different languages. An Acts of Service husband might take care of all the household chores, but his Quality Time wife just wants to spend time with him. A Words of Affirmation wife might be telling her spouse what a great husband he is, but her Physical Touch husband wants to be able to cuddle more often.

Furthermore, all of these languages have “dialects.” A Words of Affirmation spouse might be embarrassed to hear you speak the words aloud, but is delighted to find little notes around the house which express your affirmation. A Physical Touch spouse might crave back rubs and massages. A Quality Time person might love spending time together on the golf course and go out for beer afterward. A spouse who delights in Gift Giving might like fresh cut flowers to put on her table each Friday night. An Acts of Service person might like to have the car washed each week.

If spouses are speaking different love languages to each other, and they don’t recognize that their partner doesn’t speak the same language, they will overlook the acts of love that their spouse is giving them. Even when they find out there is such a thing as different “languages” of love, some people ask – Why should I learn his language if he won’t learn mine?! Or worse, these people will get judgmental and think to themselves, “Her way of showing love is stupid; mine is better.” These attitudes are toxic to the relationship. They create a deadly standoff in the marriage wherein neither party is willing to budge first.

If we are not able to learn to recognize and then speak the language of our partner and if we refuse to practice real giving, then we are channeling the actor from Cool Hand Luke who said, “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate!” Neither party is going to feel loved and both parties are going to feel resentful! Welcome to the fast-track to divorce!

However, when couples are practicing real giving (even if just one party starts the process), then they are putting aside the notion of a tit-for-tat relationship and seeking ways to show love to their partners in manners in which the partner recognizes,  accepts and cherishes. And it is quite amazing what usually happens – once the first domino is tipped over, it creates a chain reaction throughout the relationship which is incredibly positive! Both parties are going out of their way to show love to each other.

Want to do some real giving practice this week? Here are some ways to get started:

• Which language do you speak?
• Does it have a particular dialect?
• What language does your spouse speak?
• Does that language have a dialect?
• Practice real giving this week by picking two things that you want to do in your spouse’s love language, and give it to your spouse as a gift.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, Canada's Passion Coach®

ErynFaye.com

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Last month I sat around a table with 1/2 a dozen sticky faced toddlers. Each one clutching a mangled dixie cup of cheerios in their hot little hands. Upon reaching the bottom of the cup they lift hopeful eyes in my direction. The more assertive personalities hold up their cup beseechingly.

“What do you say?”

Each one, in turn, squeaks out an adorable “pa-wease.” Even S rubs his tummy to sign the word.

After that, it’s smiles all around, flush with the success of snack acquisition and the effusive praise that comes with having “SUCH good manners.”

This is what we do. We teach our children what to say.

Say “Hi” to Grandma. Wave “Bye-bye.” Tell your brother “No thank you! I don’t like it when you throw sand in my eye/take my toy/hug me until I fall to the ground/bite me on the shoulder.”

We give our children words to foster relationships, stand up for themselves and express their feelings. We teach them how to treat others, and ourselves, with respect. Words are the sticks and stones of relationship development.

At the end of a meal our big kids are expected to clear their plate and say to whomever prepared the meal, “Excuse me, thank you for my dinner.” It’s a pretty habit we admired in the respectful, well-behaved children of other families we know. We do the same in the hopes that one day our children will morph into something similar.

I’m not so deluded as to believe it is always the honest expression of heartfelt gratitude. Some nights is sounds more like “excusemethankyouformydinner, it’s MY turn with the iPad, put it DOWN, it’s NOT FAIR, where’s MY ice cream, DON’T touch me, MOOOOOOO-OOOOOOM.”

Other nights we get the sullen, slumped shoulders version which sounds like the exact opposite of gratitude “Ex-cuuuuse me. Thanks for my ‘dinner.’” And we launch immediately into a lively post-dinner discussion about attitude and tone of voice, which is always fun. “What do you mean? That’s my normal voice. I always talk like that.” This actually does have a ring of truth, since sullen-pre-teen-cool is becoming our new normal. Sigh.

But we plug away. Every time they say the words, they go through the motions of Grateful. If nothing else, it is a reminder that meals do not magically appear on the table; they are a gift of time and effort, and hopefully (most nights) some small amount of skill.

Manners are a big deal in our house. I went toe to toe with the speech therapist who insisted that the sign for “want” was the strong verb B needed to use most in her communication. I insist on “please” when she needs something. It may seem like a small thing, but when words are few, they should be the right ones.

And hopefully attitude will follow action.

The easy part is writing all of this about my children; yet another parenting technique we subscribe to. The hard part is applying it to myself.

Glen and I had one of those rare lingering disagreements this weekend (we usually have heated/hurt feelings/cry/make up/I-can’t-really-remember-what-the-big-deal-was-anyway/quick fights). We are tired and overwhelmed and in this life stage, with head colds all around, it’s probably inevitable. But the lingering is worrisome. And unhealthy. And I haven’t been ready to let it go.

I won’t go into the details (mostly because they are pretty stupid and petty), but we both felt disrespected and devalued. Me, by his actions and he, by my words.

I’ve been absolutely certain that actions trumped words. Wasn’t that the point? Not what we said or how we said it, but what we DID. Sure, I had been a little bit wrong, but he was wrong-er.

So there.

Then this morning I dusted off this blog post that I had started weeks ago: pontificating about the importance of words. Gah. I suck.

I thank the doctor for his time. I say ‘please’ to the waiter who brings me a drink. I excuse myself from a meeting rather than abruptly walking out. I would never demand or yell or belittle someone I had just met. Doesn’t my family, and especially my husband, DESERVE respectful words even more than the strangers and acquaintances I practice my manners on all day long?

I know they do. And when I am feeling entitled and ungrateful and irritated, I can only hope that saying the right words will help adjust MY attitude too.

So here’s me, thanking my husband for all he does. He speaks to me with respect and that means a lot. I’m sorry.

CHRISTIE HOOOS

SO HERE'S US

LIES I TELL MYSELF

The LIES I tell myself:

Sleep is for the weak.

I’ll just have ONE bite.

This is the best I can do.

I don’t know how this happened.

It’s not like she’s going to wear diapers forever.

That’ll wash right out.

I’m sure it’s just a phase.

There’s probably some nutritional value in it.

These pants must have shrunk in the wash. Again.

I’m just resting my eyes.

It’s not my fault.

And the TRUTHS that make all the difference:

Sex burns calories and releases positive endorphins.

I am responsible for myself.

I AM doing the best I can.

We’re in this together.

They’re worth it.

God made me special and He loves me very much.

So here’s me, preaching the gospel according to Bob and Larry. I think Preschool Theology is highly underrated.

Note: I do realize that “doing the best I can” made both sides of the list. I shuffled it back and forth several times. Figuring out if it is a lie to let myself off the hook OR a truth to accept about myself is the real trick right now. Well, that and naps. I’m pretty sure a nap will help too

CHRISTIE HOOS

So Here's Us

McParenting

There are 2 kinds of parents in the world. Those who take their children to McDonalds. And those who don’t.

Sadly, we fall into the first category. I say “sadly” not because I’m wracked with guilt about the fat content, insane amounts of sodium and lack of real food value. Much.

I say “sadly” because our trip to “Old McDonalds” (as B calls it) usually dovetails with some of our less-than-stellar parenting times.

Times when we are overly busy. Rush, rush, rush, who has time to make something (from scratch) and put it on the table, then stand over the offspring like prison guards to ensure that they actually eat.

Times when we are feeling lazy. There is only so much of a person to go around. As we slice piece after piece off for housework, carpooling, changing diapers, earning money to pay for diapers… talking to family on the phone, talking to the neighbours, talking to the teachers, talking to the speech therapist, talking to that very friendly checkout lady (I’m an introvert, I like the talking, really, but it exhausts me)… reading emails, checking Facebook, watching Sliders reruns on Netflix… showering, bathing the littles, insisting that the big girls shower (and YES you have to wash your hair this time)… Pretty soon, we’re paper-thin and eager to settle for fast, relatively cheap and, above all, easy.

Times when we eat our emotions. We celebrate with food: got a bonus at work, a perfect mark on your science report, a birthday… We medicate with food: not invited to the party, playing single parent for the weekend, realized the your 8-year-old is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER going to be potty trained… Whoever named it a “Happy Meal” must have felt the same. It’s not a habit that has served ME well over the years. Yet, here I am passing it on to my children.

Times when I am feeling rebellious. I wasn’t raised like this. My Mom fed me nuts and twigs and all manner of healthy crap. We rarely ate out and NEVER had white bread or processed foods or anything with “whiz” or “a-roni” tacked on the end. She once told me that hot dogs were made with pencil shavings, sawdust and whatever else they could sweep off the floor at the end of the day. She was probably right. But I eat them anyway. Not all the time, but occasionally. Because I can. And no one can stop me.

We’re not the only ones. That indoor playground at our local Mickey Ds is often filled to capacity. And beyond. Shell shocked dads, doting grandparents, exhausted nannies, and guilty moms practice McParenting in all its many forms:

The McSanitizer: It’s true that the play structures are a giant, plastic petri dish full of germs and disease. To fight it off these twitchy parents scrub each surface with antibacterial wipes, line them with napkins, pull out extra pairs of socks et voila – instant McHazmat suit. A vigorous rub down in hand sanitizer is a necessary final step for decontamination.

The McWeary: This parent has surrendered. “Just eat something, anything…” I saw one dad pushing fries through the play centre netting into his sons mouth each time he crawled by. I can relate. “Mom, B just ate something she found at the top of the slide.” Try NOT to think about it. It was probably edible. “Can I borrow some hand sanitizer?”

The McThug: See no evil. Hear no evil. Or just chuckle about it and shrug your shoulders, like, “hey, whatcha-gonna-do? Sure my preteen just dropkicked your toddler across the room, but gee, isn’t he cute?” See how cute it is when I push YOU to the ground and step on YOUR face.

The McRockwellian: “No playing until you eat ALL your fries. I mean it young man, that milk…er…dairy-related-substance-shake isn’t going to drink itself. Let’s enjoy some meaningful family time.” Who are we kidding? Unless we recently installed a climbing apparatus in the dining room and invited every preschooler we’ve ever met over to give it a spin, this is NOT the family table.

It is what it is. Not that clean, not that healthy, not that safe and not all that family friendly. BUT the world isn’t either. Not even with bean sprouts and quinoa on the menu.

We all have to live in this dirty, imperfect, not-always-good-for-us world. So, if that same world OCCASIONALLY brings some reasonably priced, convenient, keeps-the-kids-out-of-my-hair-for-a-few-minutes food my way, I’m not going to feel guilty. Much.

Moderation in all things.

So here’s me, and maybe it makes me a total McCop-Out, but I think our family can handle a once a month McSplurge.

CHRISITE HOOS

So Here's Us

EXPERIMENTS IN GRATITUDE

One thing that drives me nuts is kids who are ungrateful. You’ve seen them. They stand in the checkout line at the grocery store next to a mother who has a heavily laden buggy – usually filled with items custom tailored for said ungrateful kids – and whine and complain about what they don’t have in life. “But Mom, why can’t I have the chocolate bar??? But Mom. But Mom. Mommmmmm.” It is enough to make me seriously consider the virtues of a one-child policy or mass sterilization. In fact, for years Eric and I called those encounters “birth control” because we left the store so disenchanted with the whole parenting experience that our timeline for beginning a family got bumped back by six months every time we ran into one of those kids.

I suppose I am especially sensitive to the issue because Eric has devoted his life to non-profit work. He has always, for as long as we have been together, poured his soul into helping those less fortunate than the rest of us. I get a blow-by-blow of what happens in his world each and every evening, and this insight serves to drastically lower my tolerance for those who cannot appreciate the wealth they have been given in life.

Unfortunately, all of us fall prey to this insidious culture. Just the other day, after two hours of fun mother/daughter shopping for Easter supplies, Riley pouted in the back seat of the car because she wasn’t able to find exactly what she wanted. Let’s be clear, she didn’t come home empty-handed by any means, but that perfect item had remained elusive. I was seriously ticked off. As I contemplated my response, I ran through every scenario from grabbing her bunny ears off her head and throwing them out the window of the car to throwing all her toys into a trash bag and donating them to The Salvation Army to losing my temper and yelling at her to be grateful for what she has.

Thankfully, I didn’t do any of those things. And the reason why I didn’t was because, just that afternoon, I had watched Shawn Achor speak about real happiness…and real happiness entails cultivating a culture of gratefulness. So, instead of throwing a fit or stripping Riley’s bedroom, I decided that the Frans family is going to do an Experiment in Gratitude. Following on Achor’s suggestions, each night we are each going to share three things for which we are grateful. Instead of griping and complaining about lack of gratitude, we are going to start practicing it…together…because we can all use a dose of real happiness in our lives.

I highly recommend that you watch this video from Achor. Not only will you laugh your bunny tail off, but you might just find the keys to beginning an Experiment in Gratitude for your home as well.

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/lang///id/1344

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, Canada's Passion Coach ®

ErynFaye.com

NEW MAMA

This week Mommyhood smacked me in the face in a rather unpleasant way (don’t worry…there is a happy ending).

Baby Boy turned four months old yesterday, and it has been a glorious four months! He is sweet and smiley. It is so fun to watch how much his daddy loves him. I steal kisses and snuggles every change I get. And as Caring Wifey and Mama Bear and Business Woman I have generally felt in control.

That is…up until this week. Baby Boy started running a temperature. I spent lots of time sucking snot out of his nose, rocking him when he couldn’t sleep, talking to doctors. I cancelled all of my plans for the week. And I had lots of time to think about how this New Mama business was influencing my life.

I realized that in general as a stay-at-home-mom I would actually need to start staying home sometimes (imagine that). With the birth of Baby Boy my heart priorities had changed, but up until this week my schedule was not reflecting it. I have been swallowing the hard truth that I cannot be the one in control. (Was I ever really?)

My sink is full: 

I can’t make plans without thinking through a feeding/nap/bag-packing schedule.

My workflow revolves around Baby Boy’s attention span with his current toy.

I think I might be swallowed by my to-do list very soon.

My emotions were starting to completely take over, and I knew I needed help. I opened my bible.

I still am surprised at how perfectly the bible speaks to my life. Psalm 90 reminded me to “number [my] days, that [I] may gain a heart of wisdom” (verse 12). I don’t have unlimited time on earth. Am I using it wisely? Do I love people well? Or do I get caught up in my own schedule – what I want to do?

“If only we knew the power of your anger! Your wrath is as great as the fear that is your due” (Psalm 90:11). Am I taking God seriously? He wants me to have life to the fullest, and to know true love, so His anger should be a warning for me to return to Him.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days” (Psalm 90:14). Instead of trying to satisfy myself with what I’ve accomplished (work, exercising, completing errands) which will leave me tired and empty, I can ask the Lord to satisfy me – and I will sing for joy.

“May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us – yes, establish the work of our hands” (Psalm 90:17). This makes me want to cry. I DO have a purpose. I have work to do, and when God is the one setting it out for me, it is worth doing.


LINDSAY HALE
Lindsay Kaye Photography