STARTING OVER

I blame Chinese food. And Dairy Queen. And the bag of Christmas candy corn I found in my daughters toy box.

Because who can resist the siren song of stale, month-old candy?

Not me apparently. I devoured it like a junkie who happened upon a forgotten stash. It didn’t even taste good.

The only thing worse than stale, month-old Christmas candy corn is the guilt from eating stale, month-old Christmas candy corn.

So much for eating healthy this year.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all failure and embarrassing binges around here. Some days I win. But even then I have to watch myself. It’s stunning how quickly I can move from fatalistic self defeat to overconfident delusions of grandeur.

Case in point, the day I cleaned the house from top to bottom (withOUT eating anything I found along the way) and elypticalled myself to the moon and back. Feeling smug, I spent the rest of the day watching the Food Network while ignoring my children.

I don’t even like to cook.

So much for being a more attentive parent this year.

Soar or stumble – I can twist it into an excuse. To indulge. To give up. To sabotage myself. Time and again, it’s the one task at which I rarely fail.

This year I’m trying to change the game. I will focus only on TODAY.There is no tipping point. There is no pressure to be perfect. There is no tomorrow or next month or the rest of my life resting on what I do right now. There is only TODAY.

I seem to function better without the weight of all that still-to-come. I still fill in the calendar and keep track of “things to do” and make plans for our family. I’m still mindful of the things I need to do better. But I only hold myself responsible for what I can get done between “Mama… up” (boy-speak for: wake up and pay attention to my cuteness) and “…but I’m almost done this chapter” (preteen-speak for: none of my friends have a bedtime so lights out is lame and besides I’m not even tired yet).

Some days it works. Some days there are temptations and trials and I slip back into worry-pressure-procrastinate-medicate-with-food/tv/Internet-hate-myself-STRESS. But even that isn’t the end of the world.

Every day I am starting over.

It’s only been a few weeks. The jury’s still out on whether I’m doing better or worse at: eating healthy, staying active, decluttering, being spiritually mindful, attentive parenting or solving the problems of the universe via blogging. But I did clean out that one toy box…

What I can say for sure is that I’m enjoying the sweet, fleeting moments of life better. I’m enduring the tough stuff with less angst. And most of all, I’m liking Me a whole lot more.

This is what I chose to focus on for the creative writing DPChallenge on Starting Over.

I’m not Who-I-Was.

I’m not Who-I-Will-Be.

I’m not Who-I-Expected.

Or Who-I-Dreamed-I-Would-Be.

I’m Me.

With new insights, and new struggles, and new dreams.

With a best friend who loves Me (better yet, still likes Me) after all these years.

With a heart full of four little people who make Me crazy, and make Me laugh, and make Me a better Me.

Changing and growing and learning and becoming Me.

With a little extra Me around the edges.

And even though those parts are the hardest to accept,

They are part of Me too.

Whatever size or shape or new configuration, I’m still Me.

I’m not Martha Stewart. I’m not Hiedi Klum.

I’m not You. I’m not Who-You-Think-I-Should-Be.

I’m not perfect or easy and I’m not ready to concede.

I’m not finished yet.

But for now, TODAY, I’m content to be Me.

So here’s me. You know that rumor about bloggers being totally self-absorbed… ummm… ya…

CHRISTIE HOOS

So Here's Us

9/11 - WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

My parents grew up in the generation that could tell you exactly what they were doing the day JFK was shot. My mom was working in Berkeley, California when she tried to use the phone and was told none of the employees could use the phones. How odd - within 30 minutes, talk was spreading like wildfire that the President had been shot! Within another hour everyone was sent home in shock learning their President had died. And I am part of the adult generation who can tell you exactly what they were doing the day two airplanes flew into the Twin Towers.

I was making the bed in our master bedroom and hadn’t had the TV on all morning when I got a call from my husband. His tone told me something horrific and huge had just happened as he said, “Christie, do you have the news on right now? Turn the TV on! You’re not going to believe it!” As I turned on the Today Show I remember seeing the footage of the first airplane flying into one of the buildings and thinking …. How can this be real? What on earth is going on? I remember calling him back and both of us reeling in shock and fighting the tears.

As the day unraveled, I learned of the third plane that crashed into the Pentagon ... And then the fourth plane that didn’t make it to Washington, DC because of some amazing heroic American citizens! It was terribly hard to make sense of all the emotions and conflicting thoughts. 

  “How could anybody penetrate our country’s intelligence and defense?”

  “Lord, please keep people alive in that rubble until help gets there.”

  “I want vengeance and I want it now.”

  “Where can I get an American flag for my car, my house, my yard?”

  “I need to call my family and tell them how much each one means to me.”

  “I feel utterly vulnerable.”

  “I can’t stop hurting for all the breaking hearts that have no one coming home tonight.”

  “What senseless tragedy!”

Personally, I don’t believe that life is fair or always makes sense. But I do believe that each of us can learn and can grow from every experience in our lifetime. So, instead of remembering what each of us was doing the moment 9/11 became historical, I want to remember what I’ve learned from that day and how I can be a better woman because of living through it.   

~ I have learned that security doesn’t come from believing your borders are impregnable. True security is found within me. His name is Jesus. 

~ I have been challenged to be willing to stand against anyone or anything that wants to hijack my life … even if it means dying in the process.

~ And I have been reminded that each day is not a right but a gift – and my greatest gifts are the ones that I come home to every night!

What about you? What were you doing on 9/11? But even more importantly, what have you learned from 9/11?  

CHRISTIE LEE RAYBURN

ChristieLeeRayburn.com