FAILURE DOESN'T EQUAL SUCCESS … BUT IT CAN GET YOU THERE!

Last week, my daughter bombed a math test. Flunked. Failed. In a big and mighty way. So big, in fact, that the teacher called me into the classroom to show me the test.

Later, when Riley and I were talking about it, she began to tear up.


“Are you saying that I made a bad grade?” she asked as her lower lip quivered.


I hesitated for a beat and then said, “Yes, Baby Girl, you made a bad grade.”


A lot of parents would be horrified with me. I can hear them saying, “What?! You don’t use the term bad when talking to a child!” I could hear them complain that I was going to scar my child or permanently damage her self esteem.
In our society today, we have become so concerned with the emotions of our children that we will lie, cheat and steal to keep them from feeling badly. The theory goes that if we can organize a world where they feel safe and secure and loved and comfortable all the time, then surely they will become confident adults.


The problem with this approach is that it simply doesn’t work. An obese child who is told that she is fine just the way she is will still grow up with be an adult with chronic health problems. A child whose bullying behaviour is overlooked because he is having problems at home that are not his fault will not learn how to care for those around him. A child who thinks that a failed grade is actually good will never learn how to succeed.


And so I let my daughter feel the full weight of failure.


And then I gave her the tools to succeed.

“You see, Riley, a bad grade tells us two things: 1) You don’t understand the material and/or 2) You did not practice enough before the test. However, both of these things are fixable. We can make sure you learn the material and give you lots of practice so that when you will not make this grade again.”

The rest of the weekend, we worked hard. It was obvious that Riley was missing the foundational pieces to the concepts and so we made sure she got them. Then we built on the foundation until she was grasping math which was much more difficult than the concepts on the test.

She got it. She grew confident. She asked to practice so she could show us what she had learned. And she learned how to turn failure into success, a life lesson that is exponentially more important than a math grade.

Many of the couples I meet struggle even admitting that there is failure in their relationship. They dance around the subject, trying to project an image that is perfect. They hope that I don’t ask any questions that might poke that delicate exterior and expose it for what it truly is.

But, just like Riley, if we do not take an honest appraisal of our work and if we do not acknowledge places where we fail, we will never be able to move past failure to success. Admitting you have a problem, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, is the first step to a new life. The brilliance of taking this first step is that you can make changes, fix the problems and move to a place of health and true happiness.

What do you have in your relationship that is not working?   What is failing?

Once you have taken an inventory, begin to make changes. Need some help? You can book your coaching session with me today.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS

CANADA'S PASSION COACH ®

ErynFaye.com

EVERY LITTLE GIRL WANTS HER DADDY’S LOVE

She twirls like a ballerina in her new holiday dress and shiny shoes, “Daddy, don’t I look pretty?” 

She jumps into his arms of safety after he encourages, “Come on sweetheart - you can do it - daddy will catch you!” 

She loves holding her father’s big, strong hand as they walk places and she adores hearing his voice call her his ‘little princess’.

‘She’ is every little girl - and she yearns for her daddy’s love as she begins to grow up. 

Not only would I testify to this for myself but I have had a front row seat observing the relationship between our only daughter and her daddy.

I’ve been taken aback as I have watched the yearning in my daughter’s eyes for her daddy’s belief in her capability. I see the incredible difference her father’s reactions make in her perception of her talents or skills. His words determine the outcome of her self-assurance and potential -- one encouraging word can literally boost her confidence to dream and risk and one critical word can send her straight to the land of insecurity, doubting herself. Fathers affirm competence and set the path for a woman to believe “I don’t have to prove myself. I can do anything.”

It’s amazing how my husband has become her ‘personal mirror’. The truth is that so much of of her self-image is reflected in the way her father sees her, the way he interacts with her, and the way he talks about her to others. If he compliments her and assures of her beauty, she feels like the most lovely young lady in the land. However, a simple throw-away comment or too much teasing can confirm her inner thoughts of ugliness; ugliness that no amount of make-up can cover. Yet, most dads don’t realize the power they hold in establishing their daughter’s self-worth.

Experience shows that fathers are very important role models for their daughters, especially in the puberty and teen years. A father is the first male that a girl comes to intimately know, and he can set the stage for how his daughter interacts in future relationships, especially with men. Just the other day our daughter declared to her dad that “he ruined her!” My husband exclaimed, “What? That sounds horrible - what on earth do you mean that I ruined you?” She went on to explain that, when it came to dating and marriage, he set the bar very high. She admires that he loves God so openly and has such a giving heart. She respects that he is a strong man with a tender heart. But, mostly, she never doubts that he loves his wife completely, creatively, and faithfully - and she has watched it all firsthand. Therefore, she isn’t going to settle for anything less in a young man. 

So, from a mother’s perspective, let me encourage every daddy out there to invest big in his little girl’s life. 

• Please support her interests and ask questions about what she is involved in. Build her up every chance you get. Be there for her games or performances. There is no substitute for your presence.

• Please compliment her. Hug her. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is a million times while she grows up. Realize the powerful mirror you are in her life.

• Please “ruin her” and set the bar high by the way you treat your wife. Make your daughter feel like you want to be close to her. Take her on a date. Show her how she should be treated.

Dads, no one replaces the place you hold in her heart. 

Every little girl and every big girl wants her daddy’s love.

Share with me how your dad made you feel loved or how your husband shows special love to your daughter.

P.S. - Send this to a dad of a daughter.

CHRISTIE LEE RAYBURN

ChristieLeeRayburn.com

COTTON COMES FULL CIRCLE

                               

What could a stem of cotton teach a woman? Why does it sit in a crystal vase? Perhaps it’s a great reminder of where I have come from, what really matters, and where I am going. Let me explain ....

Let me start by saying I had a great childhood, never wanted for material things or love or attention. I had awesome parents.  My father had a 7th grade education and my mother had a 3rd grade education. They are both from the south and both knew what it meant to work hard with your hands - even picking cotton. Ours was a simple life. I tell you this, so you understand that we kids were never pushed in school.  We weren't helped with our homework and the talk of college was never mentioned. So with this mentality, college was not something I thought about or desired to obtain. Instead I wanted a job so I could buy myself a car, more clothes than I was used to, and lots of shoes. (What woman does not think of shoes?)

 After I graduated from High School I got a job and either bought or saved for the things I desired.  I was raised in Richmond, Calif. and knew I was destined to marry, live in Richmond, and work the rest of my life.  

Well, to make a long story short, I did live in Richmond till I met a man that swept me off my feet.  He was 10 years older than me, had gone to college, was very intelligent, had goals and made an unbelievable income.  After a year of dating we married, had a beautiful home, 2 beautiful children (don't we all think our kids are beautiful and wonderful?) and all the material things a woman could possibly want or desire.  I never had to work - I was blessed to be a stay-at-home mom. 

After my kids grew up and moved on, I found that I still had my material things, including a beautiful dream home. However that very large home was empty, sad, and lonely - just like me.  I stayed in that large, lonely, empty house for years until one day I decided it was time for me to leave.  I don't want to get into the end of my marriage because it is not what I want to talk about.  I want to talk about the material things I had, which were in abundance. So many women searching for their security get caught up in  all these material things - their nice cars, clothing with labels, collections of crystal, and the list goes on. Ladies, these luxuries don’t give you security or add meaning to your life.

I walked away from the emptiness and the material things - now I have lived on my own now for 5 years and have never been happier.  I don't have the money I use to, I don't go on the trips I use to, and I don't have the huge home - but my home is no longer lonely. My home is now a happy place, filled with smiles and laughter.  I do still have my beautiful pieces of crystal that I enjoy to this day.  I am surrounded by wonderful things that I have had for years, but one of the things I enjoy the most is the one that symbolizes so much - a real twig of cotton from a cotton plant.  I have it in a crystal vase.  

It reminds me of who I am and where I came from.  It reminds me of my wonderful parents that are no longer with me.  You see they met each other in a cotton field many, many years ago.  They didn’t live a life surrounded with things, but they were married for 53 years. I always thought I would be married till death do you part as well.  Sometimes our dreams don't finish as we thought or planned they would.   Sometimes they take a side road that can be scary and dark, but eventually they can bring us back to a crystal vase with a piece of cotton. We can rediscover the wonderful light and even find the piece of ourselves that somehow got lost along the way. I think we all need the contentment of cotton and the joy of a little crystal around each of us!

LJ

Want A Better Sex Life?

Want a better Sex Life?  Then exercise! 

Jillian Michaels entered our lives on January 3, 2011. Prior to that, I had been going swimming every morning.  But I am self-aware enough to realize that when winter arrived, the thought of having to dig my car out of the snow before driving to the pool at 6am was going to be a big enough disincentive to make me roll over and go back to sleep. I needed something that I could do in the warmth of my own home.

So, it came down to Jillian Michaels or a treadmill. She was cheaper and tells me what an amazing job I am doing, so she won. So now, Eric and I begin our morning by working out together. Not only are we encouraging each other in our pursuit for health and fitness, but evidently we are also making our sex life better.
Did you know that swimmers in their 60’s have the sex lives of people decades younger than them? Did you know that men and women who exercise 2-3 times a week rate their sex life as “above average”? Or that women have an easier time coming to orgasm and men lower their chances of impotence if they are exercising on a regular basis?
In short, the more consistently you exercise, the better your sex life will be.

Study after study has concluded that exercise has a both a physical and psychological impact. Here are some of the sexual side-effects of working out:

• Increased blood flow. The science of arousal is all about blood flow. When you feel that tingling sensation in your genitals, that is blood engorging your tissues and heightening their sense of arousal. Since exercise increases circulation, arousal will be easier to come by when you are engaging in sex.
• Increased body satisfaction. A study in 2000 found that when you are exercising regularly, you have higher self-confidence and self-image. So, no matter where you are in your weight-loss goals for the New Year, if you are exercising consistently, you are going to feel better about your body. And that has a profound impact on how you respond when your spouse wants to take your clothes off.
• Increased strength, cardio-fitness and flexibility. Not only will these side-effects of exercise make your current sex life more comfortable, but if you would like to try a new position or extend the length of your love-making, all of these factors come into play. The more fit you are, the more adventurous you can be.
• Lower stress. Stress is one of the huge impediments to having a thriving sex life. Since the endorphins released during exercise drive down the stress hormone cortisol, you are more likely to say “yes” to sex. (Incidentally, the hormones released during orgasm drive down cortisol even further.)

So now you have even more reasons to get out of bed when that horribly annoying alarm clock goes off at the same time every morning abruptly waking you up from the most amazing dream while you lie cocooned in the world’s warmest comforter.  Notice I didn’t say it made the exercising any more pleasant, only that the benefits are worth the effort!!
How about you?  What kind of exercise do you do?  Has it made a difference in your sex life?

Eryn-Faye Frans, Canada's Passion Coach ®
erynfaye.com

I Want to Be Beautiful

When my little sister was three years old, she was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. Without hesitation she responded, “Beautiful.” I love remembering her confidence in that moment.

Beauty is something I have worked for since I can remember. As a child I felt beautiful when my hair was long and I was wearing my mom’s high heeled shoes that clicked so nicely as I walked through the kitchen. When I became a teenager beauty was defined by how well I could apply my makeup and whether or not boys took a second look after I walked by. College came and the beautiful girls were all fiercely independent without a need for anyone else’s approval.

At this point, you would think that I could see how shallow and temporary all of these definitions are, but I find myself continuously returning to them when my confidence slips. If I’m honest with myself, I still find comfort in fancy clothes, hair that behaves, a lack of zits, and the ability to take care of myself. In the moments when these things are out of reach, I start to compare myself to other women and wish I was someone else. I forget where true beauty comes from.

My God is generous and gracious enough to remind me. He says, “Why do you worry about your clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin…If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you – you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:28, 30 NIV). I am also reminded to “cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in” (1 Peter 3:4 MSG). My beauty comes from being loved by God; I’ve noticed when my focus shifts from worrying about myself to thanking God for what He has done for me and doing what He has asked of me I am able to have a much more lasting impact. It matters less that people notice my face or my clothes and more that they recognize Christ’s love. I want the beauty God has given me to be the kind that recognizes beauty in others and draws it out.

Today, may you recognize that God’s love makes you beautiful.

Lindsay Hale

IS YOUR KID TOO OLD TO HUG?

In this society of extremes, many of us have become hugaphobic.   For various reasons we are cautious of embracing or merely touching our youth.  This lack of affection is to our kids’ detriment.

They’re Asking for It!

I recently spoke to a group of thirty 12-18 year old girls. These girls expressed they get a lot of love and support from their parents.  But in open discussion, every girl (with the exception of one) said they desire more hugs from their parents!

As I interact with youth, I am certain they are asking for loving touch.   My own athletic teen son plays with my hair as I work.  He leans against me while playing a board game, punches and teases his father inviting a wrestling match, laughter and ultimately, positive touch.  He thrives on the bond between us, and he expresses it with his need for touch. 

The Unspoken Rule

Some of us have an unspoken rule, that after a certain age our kids will no longer find it socially acceptable for us to hug them.  We make the mistake of withholding affection, expecting that our child’s increasing need for independence includes a decreasing need of touch.

 Are They Ever Too Old?

 A radio caller once asked my favorite family educator, “When is my son too old to kiss and hug?”  The definitive answer was, “Never”.  Your child, no matter what the age, will always benefit from the bond and support your touch communicates.

Is Touch Ever Wrong?

To an abused child, touch is a sensitive issue.  You will need to discover “safe” ways to communicate affection.  Discuss this with your child and take your cue from their responses.

Touch is never appropriate if it has to be secret, if it is sexual, or uncomfortable to the young person.

Healthy touch is not clingy or irritating.

Some Fears About Touching

It is not uncommon for dads to begin physically withdrawing from their daughters as they approach puberty.

Parents, either well-intentioned or insecure, fear their son would become too dependent or not manly enough if they continue to hug him.

A friend told a beautiful story of her adolescent years with her father.  The one mother figure she knew had recently passed away.  Her father’s own upbringing lacked touch.  This young girl had the courage to tell her father that she needed his hugs.  When the father began hugging her and her adult siblings, they saythe entire family was changed.

Hugs will make them Bloom!

Touch impacts your child’s sense of worth

It keeps them from looking for it in inappropriate places

It lessens behavior problems

It builds rapport and trust

It lightens their load

Painless Ways to Begin

Twist hair, Back rub

Lean into, Wrestle

Massage hands, Fly a paper airplane at them,

Tuck them into bed,

High five, Knuckles!

Whether or not you have the knack for hugging, try increasing your positive touch up to 5 more times a day!  Tell me what happens in your home.

Bonnie J. Christensen
womangonewise.com