5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK

20 years ago, Eric and I began a very tumultuous relationship. After six years of on-again, off-again dating, we decided to pull the trigger and get married. Our friends and family were a little shocked. We were then, and still are, a very passionate couple and passion often manifests itself in a lot of fireworks. While a display of fireworks can be festive and breathtaking, handling explosives is never a completely safe endeavour.

Over the years, we have cultivated the skill to manage the passion without snuffing it out and yet sustaining as little damage as possible. I write this post on our 14^th anniversary – we are pretty sure that everyone who wagered bets against us has lost by now – and I decided to share some of the ways we make it work. As I reflect on the years, there are five commitments that Eric and I make that weave strength into our marriage.

1)   We are deeply committed to each other. We have an unusual relationship because we are both public figures, out speaking to churches – but we do so as individuals and on different topics. On one hand, my husband, the Director of Philanthropy for World Relief Canada, tackles the complexities of international poverty, hunger, and education. On the other hand, I speak and preach at churches on the issues of sexual intimacy. Traditionally, the material that I handle is covered by a) a man or b) a couple, so Eric and I are keenly aware that what I do is counter-culture. Could Eric join me? Of course. He is an extremely gifted speaker and thoroughly knowledgeable about marriage. But his calling is different than mine. His work passions lie elsewhere. And I am deeply committed to seeing him grow and flourish in the area to which he is called. But he feels the same way about me. He is actively supportive of my business – from handling the website, to listening to my talking points as I write, to lending a critical eye to my forth-coming book. Truth be told, we love that we are different. We love that we are called to different areas of ministry. We laud each other’s passions and are each other’s biggest fans. We have a deep, abiding respect for the individuality that we bring to our marriage.

2)   We are deeply committed to our marriage. Marriage is not just a combination of two individuals. It is greater than the sum of its parts. It is its own entity. It lives or dies, it communicates to the world, and it can use its powers for good or for evil awesome. Just as Eric and I are deeply rooted in our understanding of ourselves as individuals, we also recognize that our marriage needs nurturing in order to remain strong. If we are not consciously investing in activities that strengthen our marriage, it will become at risk. We therefore jealously guard our date night, we practice what I preach on sexual intimacy, and we understand that we have a calling as a couple to impact the lives of people around us. Because we are people of faith, we believe that God is in the center of our lives, having a relationship with each of us but also having a relationship with our marriage. We build into each other and into our marriage. Here is a (rather crudely drawn) diagram to illustrate this:

3)   We are deeply committed to accountability. We have a circle of people who will speak into our lives and that of our marriage. Not too long ago, a friend sat with me over coffee and asked some very pointed questions. Let me tell you, vulnerability is never easy, but it is crucial. When I asked her what had given her such courage to probe (our relationship is fairly new), she told me that she had just seen another marriage fall apart while she remained quiet. “I decided that I would never be silent again.” This was extremely convicting to me because I have remained silent at times too – fearful that I would be “interfering”. We all need friends who have the courage to speak boldly into our lives, listen with empathy when we open up about our fears, doubts, hesitations and annoyances, and then guide us to greater intimacy with our spouses.

4)   We are deeply committed to authenticity. We have decided that our marriage is not about looking good. No one can weather years of marriage flawlessly. It just doesn’t happen. But when we pretend that everything is fabulous all of the time, it simply serves to make everyone else around us feel inadequate – because they have ups and downs too. Eric and I do have a great marriage, but it is because we have fought hard for it. There have been plenty of times when we didn’t like each other, we hurt each other, we failed to trust each other and we deeply offended each other. I will, no doubt, piss Eric off in the very near future and he will do the same. But that’s ok because marriage is not always a picnic. Very often, the good stuff is on the other side of the hard stuff because you don’t learn the lessons, work on your character, and become the person you need to be without the hard stuff acting as a catalyst to get you there. Inviting people on this journey with us gives us the space to be real and enables others to be real with us.

5)   We are deeply committed to growth. It never ceases to amaze me that people will skip off to a professional development seminar at work, but never carve out the same time for their marriage. Eric and I went on our first marriage retreat a mere four months after we tied the knot. This is not because we were already regretting our decision, but because we were keenly aware that if we did not continue to grow, we would die. This pattern has continued throughout our marriage. In February, we spoke at the Good to Great conference. Because we were taking the sexual intimacy segment, we were the last to present (you have to build up to sex). As we sat and listened to the other three speaker couples, we learned and gleaned new insight.

I am grateful for the 14 years I have had with Eric. He truly is the love of my life, the husband of my youth. I would not be the woman I am today without him. He saw things in me before I ever recognized them in myself. He has called forth greatness in me. Our adventures in passion continue, but they would have exploded into flames years ago if we hadn’t built those five commitments into our foundation.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, Canada's Passion Coach ®

ErynFaye.com

A WOMAN OF INFLUENCE

Do those who influence our lives deliberately seek out to do so? So often we hear celebrities declare, “I don’t want to be your role model”.

The truth is, young people are watching, learning, being influenced by those positioned around them. Gratefully, in the raw years of my youth, I was surrounded by people who were aware of the influence they made.

I was sixteen, a new believer, standing in the pews among my high school friends. Challenged to sit in the front rows of our small but vibrant church, we were eager to do so. Sunday night worship was often open for testimonies and hymn requests. Different generations shouted out the page numbers to “It is Well with my Soul” and “How Great Thou Art”. I don’t believe I will ever forget the sound of humble voices singing passionately the words of the hymns.

“How can I say thanks for the things You have done for me?

Things so undeserved, yet You came to give Your life for me.

The voices of a million angels, cannot express my gratitude.

All that I am, and ever hope to be I owe it all to Thee.

To God be the Glory, To God be the Glory, To God be the Glory

For the things He has done….” (My Tribute)

Yesterday, I stood amongst this congregation again. Many faces and families have changed with age over the two decades I have been away. We came together to celebrate the life of a woman who lived her life well with Jesus.  I don’t recall specific conversations I did or didn’t have with Sheila Perlman. But, my sixteen year-old self recalls her voice ringing out above the rest as she sang, “Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul”. My young believer’s heart quietly prayed, “Jesus, I want to be that passionate for You. Help my heart sing these words in the trials of my life.”

Jesus has answered my heart’s prayer. I give credit to this older generation who embraced my formative young heart. I watched them humbly serve, I took mental notes of their public testimony to Christ’s love, and I followed in their examples.

Even in death, Sheila Perlman is a woman of influence, while her life speaks to me about leaving a legacy. As I read her obituary, it records decades of service to the Lord. Ministering to generation after generation; a life committed to passing on her faith. It is a testament of a life well lived. She served Jesus in humble quiet ways, like giving up her weekly paycheck to pay for others to have Bibles. She served Him in leadership roles. She served Him with humor and faithful living. In her 90′s, she delivered meals to the “elderly” and folded church bulletins each week.

People shared about Sheila’s selfless life, her commitment to praying for generations of individuals, her deep love for Jesus and her fresh gratitude for salvation. As I listened again to the words of “My Tribute”, my 48-year-old self prayed, ”Lord, help me live with this same passion for You until my dieing day.”

I have a habit of writing my favorite quotes within the binding of my Bible. So, I was tickled to receive a handout with Sheila’s quotes from her own Bible. These quotes reflect the heart and drive of this godly woman.

• What good am I if I can’t be a blessing to others?
• God, fill me so completely with your Holy Spirit that even my reactions and sudden impulses are godly. I need this.
• If you feed your faith your doubts will starve to death.
• Our work is to cast care-God’s work is to take care (I Peter 5:7)
• The little that we have, God can use.
• I don’t fear what God brings into my life so much as I fear my response to it. Will I be faithful in tough situations?
• Those who bless God in their trials will be blessed by God through their trials.
• How will the knowledge of God affect my life this week?

Wow! The private words from a woman of influence. She lived what she believed.

Jesus, thank you from the depth of my heart, for spiritually parenting me with faithful saints. People who had no idea about the impact they made to a hungry heart and watching eyes.  Thank you for the life of Sheila Perlman. Oh, more of You, Lord Jesus, and less of me…so my life would cause others to thirst for You.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

Woman Gone Wise

Exceptional Families Coaching

Rec

SIX VALUES I GAINED AS A MILITARY BRAT

My father, Colonel Howard F. Smith, was a career military officer in the U.S. Air Force.  He served in the Vietnam War in the 60’s, and Desert Storm in the 90’s.  When he was not overseas, he walked through the front door of our home every evening at 5:00 p.m., wearing his blue uniform decorated with ribbons and pins he earned in his 30 years of service to our country.

When he passed away, I requested a pair of the silver bars which were always fastened to his hat. The blue hat with pins was a constant in our home, and it represents the consistent work ethic and military commitment of my father.

Just as a missionary or a pastor is called to the ministry, I believe military personnel and their spouses feel a similar calling.  It is a unique person who is willing to invest their very lives in the risky unknown. Unknown danger, unknown housing options, unfamiliar living conditions, constant moving, unpacking, and moving again. One might wonder what kind of toll this takes on the spouses and the children.  While I can only hypothesize about a spouse’s point of view; I am able to speak from a kid’s point of view.  These are the reflections and values I learned as a Military Brat.

Always, always stand at attention for the National Anthem. 

Whether in the movie theater on base, in the classroom or at a football game, we must stand up for the National Anthem.  Give the anthem your full and complete attention and respect.  No talking.  No squirming.  No hands in pockets.  No hands touching anyone else. No fumbling in your purse.

The National Anthem represents our story; the story of the United States of America, her fight for freedom, and the ones who gave their very lives for the freedom we enjoy.  The anthem represents our own grandfathers, fathers, mothers, siblings who risk their lives daily so we can live freely.

If any kid dared to goof around during the National Anthem on base, that kid and his friends were kicked out of the movie theater, game, or classroom.  No exceptions.

So my friend, if you ever try to talk to this girl or attempt to do business with me during the National Anthem; expect to be ignored.  That’s just the way it is.

Make new friends and keep the old

I remember vividly coming home from school, after laughing and enjoying my friends, and hearing the words, “We got our orders.” That meant we must move to another base, another state, possibly thousands of miles away.  It happens frequently. Sometimes we received our orders to move, only to have the location changed again.  Flexibility becomes a common character trait.

It takes a person an average of 2 years to become comfortable with friends and settle in to a new community.  It is tough on a military family who just begins to warm up to their new friends, then it is time to pack up and leave again.

Tears, fears, lost friendships and the stress of starting all over again can take its toll on a kid. Many of us learn through inevitable trial and error to make friends quickly and support one another.  I am often saddened by the friendships I have lost over the years.  There were no social networking options to keep us connected. But I gained the ability to make new friends, and the compassion to help others feel included.

When I first attended a big public school in my teens, I heard friends say they went to school with their cousins.  I thought it was a joke.  I had not lived near extended family.  I rarely saw my grandparents, cousins, Aunts and Uncles since my father joined the Air Force when I was 5 years old.  A military family rarely has the luxury and support of living close to their extended family, and the children don’t have the same opportunities to know them like the civilian families.  We learn to support those around us when anyone is in need.

I am grateful for the opportunities to travel, to see our country from different perspectives and landscapes.  I write a funny cursive “r” which I learned in Alabama and I have a mild mix of accents due to living in different regions.  I never knew what city to call my hometown.  But, the travel helps a kid understand their narrow world from a broader perspective.  It is important to me to expose our own kids to travel, world studies, different cultures, and the National news.

Respect the American Flag

We were taught how to respect the American flag.  Our instruction included how to fold the flag properly, not to jump up to touch it when we walked near it, not to wave a ragged flag, and the list goes on.  As I grew up, I loved to sing songs about America and the flag.  How obnoxious my dorm mates must have thought I was as I sang “You’re a Grand Old Flag” at the top of my lungs down the hallway.  I did it frequently.  Did I mention I attended a college in Canada?  Years later, my Trinidadian roommate asked me to kindly quit playing Lee Greenwood’s song, “I’m proud to be an American”.

What can I say?  I am a proud military brat.  I know our freedom comes at a great cost. I benefit from it every day, I am grateful, and sometimes I gush!

Sacrifice for the greater purpose

There were many times I did not fully appreciate the fact that my dad was a Prosthodontist.  Often times when I was having my teeth worked on, young airmen in training would stand around the dental chair to observe.  As a junior high student, I didn’t enjoy good looking guys standing around me while I was drooling and having spit sucked out of my mouth. I’ll never forget the day one of the dentists walked into the waiting room and reprimanded me for leaving the chair too early.  I sat horrified.

I clearly remember the long days my dad worked to identify bodies from the Canary Island plane crash.  He had the job of examining the teeth in order to identify the horrifically burnt bodies.  He worked round the clock and changed his toxic clothing outside our house before entering in.

It wasn’t until my twenties when I entered the fabulous home of a local civilian dentist, that I first recognized the contrast between a civilian dentist’s pay and a military dentist’s pay.  My father had made a great financial sacrifice when he chose to serve our country.  It is admirable.

Do you know there are military personnel and their families who live on the poverty level?  Yes, they serve our country daily, and scrape to make ends meet.

Respect a person’s title and leadership

Military kids learn to call people by their official titles.  This gives military personnel the respect they have earned.  Everyone is addressed by their rank.  We answer those in authority with a “Yes, Ma’am” or  ”No, Sir”.

We may not personally believe in the political decisions of our leaders, but they deserve our respect.  This is a biblical principle as well.  Submit to those in leadership, even if they are unreasonable.  That is my role.  The Word of God tells us our leaders will have to give an account to God.

When my son was in fourth grade, we attended a Pearl Harbor reenactment downtown.  It was a rainy school day, but I thought this was a great learning opportunity for our boy.  We stood in the small crowd, squeezed together under the umbrella and listened to Veterans reenact radio announcements from Pearl Harbor.  They read the names of local heroes whose lives were lost that day.  My son soaked it all in. I nudged him to shake the hands of the Officers who stood in their decorated uniforms.  We thanked them for their service.

“Even though we feel shy about it, and don’t always know what to say,” I teach my boys, “always shake the hand of a Veteran and thank them for their service on our behalf”.

Stand up for what you believe in

I don’t remember the day my father left for Vietnam.  My mother tells us that I made such a scene crying in the airport, that everyone around me was in tears.  I do remember my father’s phone calls from overseas.  Our phone calls were monitored, and whenever we took a turn talking, we had to say, “Over” and wait for clearance to talk again.  The scheduled phone calls were brief.

I remember receiving letters from my father, sent in envelopes trimmed in red, white and blue.  He sent pictures of himself in his fatigues and holding weapons while riding on the back of a truck.  I didn’t know much about the war, only that my father was gone.

One day my mother brought us to Mather Air Force Base where we were stationed in Sacramento, to see President Nixon.  There were crowds of people and “hippies” on loud motorcycles.  There was shouting and a chaotic feeling in the crowd.  We viewed President Nixon stepping off of the plane as the crowd protested and yelled profanities at him.  My mother pulled us kids close, and then she told those hippies off!  I guess that’s where I first learned to stand up for what I believe in and who I believe in.

Life as a military brat was a good life.  I have fond memories of playing kick-the-can in the streets and enjoying the guards at the gate of the base with their fancy salutes.  I have a broader world view and an ingrown respect for our country. Life was good and I thank you, Mom and Dad, for the valuable experience of being your military brat.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

WomanGoneWise.com