" I WILL EVEN MAKE A ROADWAY IN THE WILDERNESS"

I used to consider raising our child with special needs emotionally and physically manageable. But the “easier” early years slowly turned into years that felt like we were living in the wilderness. In spite of the love and frequent happiness we had with our boy, there came very difficult moments which turned into weeks, months, years. Behaviors and sickness developed in him; exhausting our every resource and emotional reservoir.

Attending school IEP meetings are a necessity for a parent who has a child with any kind of special need. Anker and I approach the meetings with much prayer cover, and walk away from them feeling a little successful and a little beaten down. A good portion in the history of our annual meetings include experiences of anxiety, school politics, frustration, and the inner pressure to keep our cool. I have often thought we should create, “I survived our child’s IEP meeting” t-shirts.

Today’s meeting was different. Within the opening minutes I had already burst into tears. I held A.J.’s 11th grade school picture up to the IEP team; his eyes crinkled from his huge smile. His teachers and therapists around the table swooned at his handsome happy image. This is how they perceive him every day at school.

“He is so happy, polite, and a leader. None of the previous behavior concerns have been an issue for months. We want to develop him as a teacher assistant: making copies, picking up and delivering mail, greeting office staff,” Miss June told the IEP team.

More encouraging words were announced as we were told his long-term substitute teacher has officially been offered the teaching position. June is a dynamic teacher. She is a rare gem in a pool of special education teachers. She instinctively understands our kids, expects great things from the students every day, and gets tremendous growth from them in return.

Through a series of bumps, politics, and teacher turn-over, our kids have suffered from the lack of consistent quality teaching. When our kids suffer at school, boy do we suffer at home! So, we have been praying specifically for June. Last year when she was released from the substitute position, we continued to pray the Lord would make a way for her in the classroom. Our special kids deserve such a gem in their lives.

We wrote letters to school officials, put her on our prayer lists, and we waited…waited…waited. At the moment I heard the words, “The position is June’s if she will accept it”, my tears flowed without warning. My lips quivered as I attempted to express our joy. One of the educational officials, always professional in her demeanor, fought back her own tears as she listened to our gratitude. “What a testimony,” the speech therapist added.

I was surprised a bit by the instant flow of tears on display. Deep within my spirit, I was praising and bowing to the Lord. The tears continue to drop as I reflect upon today’s meeting. In my absolute trust of the Lord, I knew I could ask Him specifically for a request, and trust that He could provide. At the same time, He gave me faith that all would be well. All would be well, even if A.J. had to experience another change of teachers. But I would keep on knocking on God’s door; asking specifically for June.

Now God, in His perfect way, has provided a beautiful gift for us. We have one less obstacle to maneuver and one less change to endure. He knows what is best for us and He knows when we need a break! Thank you, Jesus, for providing our family relief!

I mentioned earlier that raising our boy with special needs used to be somewhat easy, and then it became difficult… very difficult. As I reflect on the growth of our boy over the last two years, I can now say we are living with a new “easy.” God has made a roadway in our wilderness. He does provide rivers in our dessert.

This new place of living is where we have gained new coping tools, and effective behavior management. We have found contentment in our unexpected lifestyle. This is a refreshing place.

“Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the dessert” Isaiah 43:18-19

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN
Woman Gone Wise

HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF THE FATHER

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are” I John 3:1

Meditating on the Father’s great love for us, this picture comes to mind. A.J. missed his Daddy so much while he was away for a week serving in Mexico, that he ran quickly into his arms as soon as he saw his Dad return.  “Daddy! Daddy!” I was able to click my cell phone camera in time, because the strong embrace lasted so long. How great is the love of this father and son.

I have been a little wound-up lately.  My heart is racing as though I have consumed a tank of caffeine. It has been a difficult “Special Needs Month” as we deal with battles and situations beyond our control. The aching in my heart pulls me to crawl under the covers and sink into my sadness. But the Lord keeps giving me this picture of my child running into the arms of his father.

Is that the kind of love You have for me, Lord? Is that the kind of love You have for my child?

I choose not to hide under my covers in despair. Instead, the love of the Father draws me to His embrace with these comforting words from Psalm 121:

“I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!

He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber” NLT

It isn’t easy being vulnerable, but I have finally learned to allow the body of Christ to bear with me in my burdens. I am entrusting my special requests to trustworthy friends who pray on our behalf.

This is when I cry, when I let the walls of self-preservation drop and allow others to come along side us. Augh, this isn’t fun.

As anxiety rises up within me, my mind plays certain ugly scenarios over and over. The Lord interrupts my anxious thoughts, “Be still”  He says, “And know that I am God”.

I ignore Him, “Wait a minute Lord, I need to finish this thought”.

“Be Still” my Father interrupts me again, “And know that I am God.”

I took my thoughts captive and rested in the God who knows all, who loves my son and who will tend to His needs as the Loving Shepherd He is.

Today I choose to rest in the arms of our Father. How great is the love the Father has lavished on us!

“You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

It is high; I cannot attain to it

If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.”  Psalm 139:5 & 10

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN
WomanGoneWise.com 

WE CHOSE LIFE!

This is Part 2 of our story. 

When life and belief collide:My life-altering decision

We were given a priority appointment with the Perinatologist.  Should we continue on in the pregnancy, he would monitor the fluid in our little babe.   We sat in his office surrounded by medical books and volumes of medical data, statistics,  human knowledge and theory. The bookshelves rose high up the walls and the doctor sat some distance from us.  I felt so small and helpless.

The Perinatologist  warmly told us how our child could likely end up in an institution, maybe wheelchair bound for life, if he ever lived at all.  We took notes, asked questions, and scheduled an Amniocentesis.  There was a glimmer of hope the results of the Amniocentesis would tell us the baby had RH Factor: a diagnosis we could actually do something about.

In the meantime, we sat through a lengthy session with the genetic counselor who worked alongside the Perinatologist.  She pulled out one of the thickest, ugliest  books I ever laid my eyes on.  It was filled with pictures of chromosomes and genetic disorders we never knew existed.  Our eyes glazed in fear as she slowly turned and explained many of the pages.  This is not a book you would enjoy reading, let me tell you!

I was amazed when we left the doctor’s office that day.  No one offered us counseling, no one asked us if we had the support of family.  No one asked if we needed clergy.  We were sent home with a burden of knowledge heaped upon our hearts.  I cried all the way home.

My husband was away on business when I finally received the diagnosis by phone call.  The genetic counselor was on the other end of the line.  Her voice was matter-of-fact as she told me our baby not only had Fetal Hydrops, but he also had a cyst on the back of his neck and Trisomy 21 (Down’s Syndrome).   Without taking a breath, without offering empathy or inviting discussion, she told me she would make an appointment for an abortion.

Instantly I told her there would be no abortion.  She reminded me in her ever-so-cold manner, “Your baby will surely die”.

The Mama-bear arose in me for the first of many times as I responded, “We believe the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  We will bless the Name of the Lord”.  I hung up and fell prostrate across our cold kitchen floor.  My baby-bump pushed me away from the tile, reminding me of the life inside.  I lay there crying, wailing, spread out in humility for help from my Lord.

I clung to the promises of God.  If I ever believed in Him, then I must also believe in His Words.  I sang quietly in surrender,

“Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God my Father.

There is no shadow of turning with Thee.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not

as Thou hast been

Thou forever will be.”

Jesus quietly asked me, “Do you believe this about me, Bonnie?”  I said, “Yes, Lord”  and continued to softly cry and sing,

“Great is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand has provided

(Thank you, Jesus.  This is true.)

Great is Thy Faithfulness

(“Will you trust Me, Bonnie?”)

(Yes, Jesus)….Lord unto Me”

My schedule quickly became filled with doctor’s appointments.  We sat before our young O.B. and explained to him the value we place on this life.  A life that was given by God and could only be taken by God.  We needed to confirm his treatment would also place value on our child’s life.   He told us he had never encountered a case like ours or a couple like us, and he would respect and follow our lead.

Due to the labor Fetal Hydrops can put on a baby’s heart, they monitored his heart twice weekly.  God gave me a nurse who was also a believer.  She encouraged me in the faith.  She told me our doctor’s office didn’t know completely how to deal with me, “Why would a couple like that want a baby like that?” was the popular discussion when we left the office each week.

Those kind of comments didn’t really encourage me, they made me feel more alien-like.  But we knew the comment really was based upon watching a young couple trust and believe in God rather than their difficult circumstances.  This was good.

Previously serving as a social worker and volunteering with special needs children, I knew there were more hopeful scenarios then what had been presented to us.  I quickly learned “knowledge is power”, and I began a personal fight to find all of the knowledge I could.  It was difficult to find.  Seventeen years ago I did not have a home computer, access to the Internet, or blogs where I could find someone with a similar story to mine.  I walked the aisles of the bookstores looking for hope from someone who was given a death-sentence for their baby.  I needed to read how someone could still walk through the days of pregnancy.  It was not to be found.

It was crystal clear to me the choice for life was God’s desire for us.    HOW He wanted me to live with this choice was unclear!  I was an emotional mess most days.  One moment I would beg God to take our baby’s life sooner than later.  Moments later I would plead with God to do a miracle and heal our baby.

My husband remained a balanced rock while I called him throughout the day to clear my mind and get perspective.  HOW was I supposed to live each day-the next 6 months of pregnancy-without bonding to my growing baby who would “die”?

I don’t know how long it took me to realize I could ask God that question.  I bent to my knees beside my bed and said, “Jesus, I know what You want me to do.  I just don’t know how I am supposed to do it”.  He reminded me, “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)  Do not worry about tomorrow–those things I can’t control.  Don’t create and entertain fears and “what ifs” we may or may not face tomorrow.  Keep my mind on today.

Today–I had a living baby inside me.  Today–he was kicking and moving and growing.  Today–I was pregnant, I was a Mama.  In the midst of any other (normal) pregnancy I would be sewing, strolling through baby departments, knitting.  So I decided I would rejoice in Today!

I went to the fabric store and bought precious baby fabrics for my Anker Josiah.  I began sewing him a baby quilt.  He would play on it one day, or he would be swaddled in the quilt in a baby’s coffin.  Either way, I would make it with all the love and the joy I had for my son.

I bought him the most precious coming home gown I could find.  A Beatrix Potter gown.  It represented life and sweet hope for today.  I hung it from the dresser in our bedroom and I knelt below it often, “Jesus, please fill this gown with our living and breathing baby.  But You know the bigger picture, not my will but Yours be done”.  Sometimes I imagined being the woman touching Jesus’ gown-trusting in the Messiah’s ability to heal.

I began moving on through the hours with enough strength to live for the day.

“Fear not, for I am with you,

 be not dismayed, for I am your God.

 I will strengthen you,

I will help you,

I will uphold you with my Victorious Right Hand!”

Isaiah 41:10

Soon our story would begin to change.

I hope you’ll join me again  for Part 3.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

WomanGoneWise.com

ARE YOU FLYING WITH THE TURKEYS?

This Inevitable Stress

Given the amount of stress in my life, I figure I should be the skinny little thing I was in high school.  I’ve been clinging to that philosophy while the pounds cling to my waistline.   I finally realized the talk show docs and nutritionists were actually referring to me when they say that stress will cause fat to hang on to our bodies!  So over the course of a year, I have been examining my lifestyle and this inevitable thing called stress.  

You and I can’t avoid stress.  It comes in good packages like the holidays, or it comes in dreadful doses of uncontrollable events.  We can control stress with our diet, activity level and time management. But what about managing the stress in our soul?

The Low and Slow Turkey

There are many wild turkeys that strut around our city (yes-real turkeys).  They hang out at the schools and walk around suburban streets.  They crack me up!  One Fall day I was driving down a road when a turkey decided to take flight.  His big ole body lifted into the air while his wings leisurely flapped.  He was flying directly toward my windshield.  I began to panic because he wasn’t gaining height.  As I imagined this humungous wild bird crashing through my windshield, he managed to skim above the hood of my car.  My heart was racing and relieved.  

Fly Above the Stress

My mind’s eye remembers this turkey in sharp contrast to the majestic eagle.  The Scriptures tell us that those who wait on the Lord will mount up with wings like eagles.  I have read that when an eagle senses a storm is coming, it flies to a high spot and waits for the wind to come.  When the storm hits, it spreads its wings and soars above it.  It is not able to escape the storm but instead flies above it.  You and I can’t avoid the storms of life: sickness, disappointment, loss, the daily grind.  But can we actually rise above it?  Isaiah 40:29-31 gives us this promise, “He gives power to the weak.  He increases the strength of him who has no might.  Even the youths faint and get weary, and the young men utterly fall; But those who wait for the Lord (who hope in Him, talk with Him, listen to His Words), shall renew their strength and power (be invigorated); they shall lift their wings and mount up as eagles; they shall run and not be weary (they won’t give up), they shall walk and not faint or become tired.” It’s God’s desire for us that we rise above our trials.  He has provided a way for us to prevail over and even conquer the stress in our lives.  

This is my desire as well.  When I cling to the stress, it clings to me.  It becomes a weight that makes me fly low and slow like that turkey.  Instead, I’m choosing to cling to the promises and love of God.  Waiting on Him is a deliberate practice of trusting the God who made me. He then gives me the perspective and tools to mount up as eagles above the storms and stresses of my life.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

http://www.WomanGoneWise.com

FORSAKEN .... FOR A REASON

"My God, my God why have You forsaken me?”

This was the cry of David’s heart as he began Psalm 22 and it was the cry of Jesus’ heart as He hung on the cross.This was also the cry of my heart the night after our oldest son’s second major surgery. 

He had been hit and pinned between two trucks on August 4th, 2010 and spent the next month moving down from ICU to each level of hospital care until he could be released.

Hunter, our son, had just had a muscle flap transfer and was in excruciating pain all night long - in spite of the heavy drugs. 

“I kept praying out loud for You to take the pain away ... to just touch him somehow ... and nothing happened - nothing changed. I cried and pleaded for You to hold my baby, to gently rock him, to soothe him ... and You didn’t.

I felt like I was praying to the walls of the hospital room.

I felt alone. I felt forsaken.

How could You not hear us? Not answer us? Turn Your back on us? 

Not help my boy ... Your boy? Your son who had come so far -- whose heart is so soft to You right now ... I don’t get it. I don’t understand.

I honestly felt forsaken.”

Have you ever felt forsaken by God? Did you ever get an answer from God as to why He seemingly disappeared when you needed Him most? Were you afraid to admit you felt this way?

I sincerely believe that God is big enough to handle any of our feelings. Let’s face it, feelings don’t equate truth. Remember, part of intimacy is sharing our gut-honest thoughts and emotions. It’s senseless to try to hide anything from our Abba Father.

However, many Christ-followers don’t know what to do with this feeling of spiritual abandonment. Many won’t admit to ever having felt it. And many will tell you that if you don’t feel Christ’s presence at all times, then it’s you who has moved away from Him. (So now you feel both abandoned and guilty that it’s somehow your fault! No comfort there.)

I will share with you what God impressed upon my spirit months later, and perhaps give you another perspective to contemplate the next time you feel forsaken ...

“Christie, it is far easier to trust me when you can see My fingerprints. It’s not as big a step of faith for you take when you can hear My Voice. And, there’s a greater likelihood of you reaching out to Me when you can feel Me right by your side.

But Who do you trust when you cannot hear Me, feel Me, or see Me? Where will you turn? Can you believe Me when I am silent? Can you entrust your heart to My Goodness when I am invisible?”

It was then I remembered the interchange between Christ and Thomas in John 20. It began with Thomas making the statement, “Unless I shall see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails and put my hand into His side, I will not believe. ... Then Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Reach here your finger, and see My hands, and put it in My side; and be not unbelieving, but believing.’ Thomas answered and said to Him, ‘My Lord and my God!’ Jesus said to him, ‘Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.”

Huge questions for my soul to process -- and as I did, I began to wonder if I experienced feeling forsaken for a reason? For a higher calling? For a greater purpose?

Have you ever felt forsaken by God? Did you consider that there was a greater purpose at work? What questions did your soul need to process?

Let’s put the hard questions out on the table and talk about them ..... please share with me your thoughts.

CHRISTIE LEE RAYBURN

ChristieLeeRayburn.com