I PLAN TO IGNORE YOU

We had a snotty kid last night. He didn’t get his way and tried to make enemies out of all of us. The more we engaged him, the sharper his tongue became.

So, we disengage.

We call it “Planned Ignoring”: I plan to ignore you when you are unreasonable.

I know, this goes against our grain when a kid is disrespectful. We feel the need to stop them in their tracks. But, have you been in a  power play with a teen (or a toddler) who wants to be in control of everything? It is a lose-lose situation.

The mouthy attitude is an attempt to derail us; if we engage the word choices we are distracted from the initial issue at hand. So we plan to ignore the words –for now.

“Answer not a fool according to his folly,lest you be like him yourself,” Proverbs 26:4. I’m not saying my kid is a fool, but he definitely has his foolish moments—as do I.

We wanted to get away from him. But, the truth is, he needed to get away from the rest of us. So, he was sent to his room.

Calmly I said, “Go to your room now”.

Off he went while the rest of the family was able to continue on with dinner and homework and conversation.

The son who was silenced took out his phone weapon and began texting his attitude. The words were unkind for a usually kind boy. The words hurt.

But, we planned to ignore, “Answer not a fool according to his folly”. We had to give each other pep talks, “Don’t engage, wait until tomorrow”.

Engaging in the folly increases the fight and the need for both to win.

Waiting is difficult. We second guess ourselves in the recesses of our mind. But tomorrow, he will wake up calm. Tomorrow he will no longer be in fight-mode.

Early in the morning, I walked into his room and sat beside him in bed as I usually do. I played with his hair and spoke in a loving voice, “Are you up, son?” I rubbed his back. Love is unconditional.

When a child hurts a parent, a parent must love unconditionally. Besides, kindness is received unexpectedly when we know we deserve the opposite. Kindness heaps hot coals on our heads.

“I am taking your phone away for a few days”.

“Why?”

“You were disrespectful to your parents last night. You used your phone to send abusive messages.”

“I did?”

“You know what you did. You may have thought you could get away with talking like that last night, but you did not. There are consequences. You will receive your phone in a few days.”

Peacefully, I walked out of the room.

It was the right moment to address his folly, “lest he becomes wise in his own eyes” (Proverbs 26:5).

Planned ignoring is difficult. Finding the right consequences to fit the crime is not always easy. But probably the hardest thing for me as a parent, is not reacting in anger or hurt feelings in the heat of the moment.

Someone has to remain in control of the situation, and it is good to have a plan—a team-parent plan—to remain calm, steady and focused.

I spent  the next 24 hours in prayer. I’m praying for wisdom in our interactions, praying our boy will have a repentant heart so he can grow forward.

I’m praying for the prime moments to instruct a child about responding with respect next time he is in the heat of the moment.

Are you interested in knowing more about “Planned Ignoring” or would you benefit from support in your parenting choices? These resources may help you:

“The Secrets to Modern Day Parenting” linking modern solutions to everyday problems. Series information:http://www.womangonewise.com/2012/01/12/bible-and-family-life-speaker/

Exceptional Families Coaching: Practical and personal coaching to support you and give you tools for a flourishing family life: www.exceptionalfamiliescoaching.com

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

Woman Gone Wise

PROVERBS VITAMIN: FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT

“Through wisdom a house is built,

and by understanding it is established;

by knowledge the rooms are filled

with all precious and pleasant riches”   Proverbs 24:3-4

What images are evoked when you say the word, “home”? Do you smile and laugh as your mind wanders back to happy childhood memories?  Does your stomach turn as you try to push away the painful moments in your childhood home?

Regardless of your own childhood experience, you have the opportunity to build a home environment which reflects the love of God. You have the ability to determine whether your spouse and your children reflect upon “home” with feelings of warmth and a smile as they approach the front door. It doesn’t happen naturally or overnight, but it begins with a Family Mission Statement.

A Family Mission Statement helps you define the values you hold for home life. The Family Mission Statement reminds you to focus on this vision as you build your house.

Our Christensen Family Mission Statement centers upon Proverbs 24:3-4,

“Through wisdom a house is built, by understanding it is established, by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”

We placed these verses on the front page of our wedding ceremony bulletin in 1990, and it is written in a prominent place in our home 21 years later. Who doesn’t want a home full of precious and pleasant riches — A place of rest and peace and laughter and acceptance? But, many of us do not know how to begin creating a rich environment for our families. Proverbs 24 gives us a concise plan to carry out our family mission.

Through wisdom a house is built.  Wisdom begins through the fear of the Lord. Wisdom is Christ Himself, who supplies us with all we need for living.  Relying upon our education or the cultural trends of the day will not build our home.  Christ is the Rock on which to build our personal lives and He is the foundation to build our family relationships.

By understanding it is established. The Holy Spirit guides us into understanding right and wrong. We can talk with Him daily about our child-rearing, our conflicts and concerns. We can ask Him for wisdom when our kids are in the middle of a tantrum or our spouse has lost their job. He will guide us to understand the needs of our family in light of Scripture. This understanding will establish our home!

By knowledge the rooms are filled. Knowledge is the love and practice of the wisdom and understanding that has been revealed. It includes grace and joy and living freely within the love of God. Our speech, our finances, our self-discipline and the way we discipline our children are all effected when we put to practice the wisdom of Christ.

The rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.  Some people interpret these riches as material blessings. I have been in the most humble of homes and the poorest of countries, where material goods were not filling the rooms of the home. Instead, overflowing joy, laughter and generosity were pouring out from beautiful lives. These precious and pleasant riches cannot be given or taken away by the world. These are the riches of rest, unconditional love, spirits and minds at peace with one another because they are at peace with Christ.

This is the vision of “home” I hold for my family. It begins on the foundation of knowing Christ, it is established through understanding His ways. Through knowledge we learn practical ways to treat one another in the home, and our hearts and rooms pour out with blessing.

Allow God to help you form your Family Mission Statement. It will guide your family in purposeful ways and keep you on track throughout the child-rearing years.

Have you created a Family Mission Statement? Share your Mission with others.  Come back next week for specific and practical ways to apply your Family Mission Statement to daily life.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

Woman Gone Wise

PROTECTION FOR THE TEEN MIND

Have you been lying sleepless in your bed of late? Do pictures flash in your mind of your teenager racing his car in the streets or your daughter abusing alcohol and getting in sexual dilemmas at the parties she attends? We hold our breath and pray our children will survive the teen and young adult years. There are so many distractions for a young driver these days, they don’t have to be racing to be in danger. The “what if’s” are enough to make us crazy.

Dr. Daniel G. Amen offers validity to these fears in his book, “Magnificent Mind at Any Age”:

“Teens do best when their parents know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Teens do best when they know their parents check on them. You need to be your teen’s prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that provides supervision, judgment, and impulse control), until they can properly monitor themselves. The prefrontal cortex does not fully develop until we are twenty-five years old, so even supervising young adults is appropriate.”

A parent’s job is not complete when their children are able to take the keys and live more independently. We get confused about our parenting role in this American culture. So, what can we do? Do we follow our children everywhere; hiding behind trees and trucks to spy on their every move? Do we attach a GPS to their cell phones?

Active parenting includes asking questions, checking out our teen’s plans, and supervising certain situations. But, we must also learn to give our teens growing independence and practical tools to make their own healthy, godly choices. If we are the ones making all the decisions for them and shielding them from life’s experiences, they will never learn from mistakes and struggles. But where do we begin?

A parent’s wise Christ-centered instruction helps to grow children spiritually, emotionally, physically and intellectually. The instruction is deliberate. In Proverbs we read about the father teaching his son to get wisdom and instructing him not to forget it. He instructs his son not to turn away from his father’s words, but accept them fully. What are the results for the children who have been instructed and have chosen to honor their parents’ words? Wisdom will guard them and keep them from stumbling. Now that’s what a teen’s mind needs!

Hear, O sons, a father’s instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight
Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments, and live.
Get wisdom; get insight;
do not forget, and do not turn away
from the words of my mouth.
Do not forsake her, and she will keep you;
love her, and she will guard you.
Hear, my son, and accept my words, that the years of your life may be many.
I have taught you the way of wisdom;
I have led you in the paths of uprightness.
When you walk, your step will not be hampered,
and if you run, you will not stumble.
Keep hold of instruction; do not let go;
guard her, for she is your life.

Proverbs 4:1,5-6,10-13

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

womangonewise.com

A WOMAN'S POTENTIAL TO BUILD OR TEAR HER HOME DOWN

The wise woman builds her house,

But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.  Proverbs 14:1

 This one verse packs a powerful punch!  Have you ever been struck by the potential you hold as a woman to build or to tear down your home?   I hold a picture in my mind’s eye of what a Christ-honoring and loving family looks like.  This picture is painted with strokes of Scripture and years of desire to grow a family who represents Jesus in all aspects of our lives.

 Proverbs 14:1 is  pounding at my heart’s door today.  What am I doing to wisely build or foolishly tear down my own home?  How dreadful to consider I have the potential to tear it down with my own hands!  Am I willing to sit still and consider it?  This is the work of Scripture and the Holy Spirit; to pour light upon any darkness in the corners of my life, and give me the opportunity to clean house!

 Have you considered what your bottom-line desire is for your family?  I encourage you to give it serious thought, then write those values on a piece of paper and tuck it away in your Bible or post it on your wall!  Do you desire a peaceful home, a rich and healthy marriage, children who are growing in wisdom and compassion? Do you desire your husband and children to have softening hearts to the Lord and others?  What are the foundation-values for your family that will keep your home from crumbling?  These are the timeless characteristics which battle against the daily lifestyle you may have created.

Brick by brick sister, we build our house with our words, our touch, our investment of time and money, our actions and reactions to people and daily trials. 

Day by day we hold the ability to tear our house down with our nagging, laziness, impatience, outbursts of anger, or bitterness.  Oooh, this is getting uncomfortable.  Our vanity, strife, sensuality, or waste of family resources can tear down that which we hold dear.  Matthew Henry states the woman who tears down her own house “indulges her ease and appetite”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about a vain pursuit for a perfect family.  I am talking about a life pursuit of lining our lives up with Jesus. The mortar we use to hold the bricks together is the fear (reverence) of the Lord.  It is He who gives us the insight into our families need. It is His Spirit who causes the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22) to grow within us and spill out into our homes.

Will you exercise the God-given wisdom to build your home today? Celebrate the great building blocks you have already created and make new goals to put an end to any destruction.  Invite the Holy Spirit into your home to shine light on those areas which need renovation.

Dear Jesus, will you search my heart?  Will you show me any hurtful way in me and lead me into the ways which honor You?  You know my heart’s desire to grow a home; a family who loves and serves You.  Please don’t let me get in the way.  I pray You keep my heart searching after You and help me be a wise and Spirit-filled woman You can use to build this house.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

WomanGoneWise.Com

ARE YOU FLYING WITH THE TURKEYS?

This Inevitable Stress

Given the amount of stress in my life, I figure I should be the skinny little thing I was in high school.  I’ve been clinging to that philosophy while the pounds cling to my waistline.   I finally realized the talk show docs and nutritionists were actually referring to me when they say that stress will cause fat to hang on to our bodies!  So over the course of a year, I have been examining my lifestyle and this inevitable thing called stress.  

You and I can’t avoid stress.  It comes in good packages like the holidays, or it comes in dreadful doses of uncontrollable events.  We can control stress with our diet, activity level and time management. But what about managing the stress in our soul?

The Low and Slow Turkey

There are many wild turkeys that strut around our city (yes-real turkeys).  They hang out at the schools and walk around suburban streets.  They crack me up!  One Fall day I was driving down a road when a turkey decided to take flight.  His big ole body lifted into the air while his wings leisurely flapped.  He was flying directly toward my windshield.  I began to panic because he wasn’t gaining height.  As I imagined this humungous wild bird crashing through my windshield, he managed to skim above the hood of my car.  My heart was racing and relieved.  

Fly Above the Stress

My mind’s eye remembers this turkey in sharp contrast to the majestic eagle.  The Scriptures tell us that those who wait on the Lord will mount up with wings like eagles.  I have read that when an eagle senses a storm is coming, it flies to a high spot and waits for the wind to come.  When the storm hits, it spreads its wings and soars above it.  It is not able to escape the storm but instead flies above it.  You and I can’t avoid the storms of life: sickness, disappointment, loss, the daily grind.  But can we actually rise above it?  Isaiah 40:29-31 gives us this promise, “He gives power to the weak.  He increases the strength of him who has no might.  Even the youths faint and get weary, and the young men utterly fall; But those who wait for the Lord (who hope in Him, talk with Him, listen to His Words), shall renew their strength and power (be invigorated); they shall lift their wings and mount up as eagles; they shall run and not be weary (they won’t give up), they shall walk and not faint or become tired.” It’s God’s desire for us that we rise above our trials.  He has provided a way for us to prevail over and even conquer the stress in our lives.  

This is my desire as well.  When I cling to the stress, it clings to me.  It becomes a weight that makes me fly low and slow like that turkey.  Instead, I’m choosing to cling to the promises and love of God.  Waiting on Him is a deliberate practice of trusting the God who made me. He then gives me the perspective and tools to mount up as eagles above the storms and stresses of my life.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

http://www.WomanGoneWise.com