PLAY TIME!

Here is a story that is often told of Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist and the husband of the Margaret Mead. He was asked to come observe a group of otters that seemed depressed to their zookeepers. Otters, if you didn’t know, love to play. You can watch them for hours as they leap, swim, wrestle with each other and get up to all sorts of antics. These otters, however, seemed listless and lethargic.

After watching the animals for a number of days, Bateson dangled a piece of paper on string into their habitat. Before long, an otter came over to the string and began to bat at it. Very soon after, another otter joined in and then both otters started to play with each other. Even when Bateson removed the paper on the string, the otters continued to play.

How did two otters – creatures that are playful by nature – stop playing? Simply put, they got bored.

It is very easy for couples to get bored and, by extension, stop playing with each other when they have been married for years.

I was recently chatting with a client, and she mentioned that her husband liked to pull out a stuffed animal, put on an alter-ego voice, and make silly comments. She didn’t have a clue how to respond. Naturally a very serious person, this activity seemed very confusing to her. When I suggested that she make a silly comment in return – something fun and playful – it made her stop and think because it had been so long since she had been playful in their marriage.

Are you playful together? Believe it or not, this can be one of the most effective tools to making your relationship last. If you are having a lot of fun together, it makes it much harder to split up.

What are you doing to be playful with your spouse? Do you need to introduce something new into your environment to remind the two of you how to play again? What will that something new be? (as a suggestion: you might want to try something different than a just piece of paper on a string!) How can you make your spouse laugh this week? Can you surprise your spouse with something that will completely delight him or her?

As you think about those questions, let me leave you with a video of two otters, taking a nap at the Vancouver Aquarium. They are holding hands so that they will not float apart.

Remember: Playfulness not only combats boredom, but it also engenders intimacy.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, CANADA'S PASSION COACH ®

ErynFaye.com

Cultivate Yours Sons Character through Powerful Role Models

7 WAYS TO BEGIN NOW

Can you recall the influential people in your youth?  Perhaps they made an impression because they took a special interest in you, challenged you, or respected your opinions.  Studies show teens that have mentoring relationships are more likely to challenge themselves by taking positive life risks.  Their decisions about drinking, drugs and sex become significantly influenced. (2006 SADD, Inc./Liberty Mutual Group study of 3,312 students)

While Mom is the most influential person in a child’s formative years, there is a natural psychological shift that occurs from mom to dad.  Boys in particular require adult males to respect, get approval from and model their manhood after.   If there isn’t a man in the home, explore ways to incorporate positive male mentors.

CREATIVE ROLE MODELS IN THE ELEMENTARY YEARS

My husband and I mutually desire that our sons be able to face adversity as well as mundane tasks with a faithful zeal.  We began introducing ordinary people whose lives exemplify extraordinary faith:

Great Hero Stories for children.  These may include Bible heroes, missionaries, business people, etc.  Several nights a week, give the boys their own time with dad, reading and casually discussing the story.  These stories can be found in children’s books or c.d.’s at your local bookstore and Christian book source.

Tell Your Story.  Our boys call these “Daddy Stories”.  They sit in the Jacuzzi or by the fire while my husband tells stories of growing up, stories of struggles and faith in his workplace or mission trips.  Casually he tells the stories, often with laughter, always with purpose.  When our 12 year old returned from his first mission trip overseas, he told his peers, “My original motivation to go on a mission trip was because my parents always told me stories that sounded so fun”.

Serve Together.  Care for a neighbor, serve in a soup kitchen, walk a 5k for the homeless.  Locate opportunities by calling your local Salvation Army, soup kitchen, or church.  You may hesitate now, but your heart will be bursting after your first experience!  I have seen babies, young children, and our own special needs child able to give back to the community.  Your son will learn life is not all about him, he will notice those in need.  The unspoken power of serving beside role models will cultivate his character.


PURPOSEFUL ROLE MODELS FOR THE TWEEN AND TEEN YEARS

 Purposely introduce like-minded people to your son.

Movie Night.  Boys respond to war stories; great classics that tell true stories of heroism.  “To Hell and Back” was the first war movie our sons viewed. Selfless and courageous, Audie Murphy led by example.  He was small, faced personal obstacles, but became the most decorated war hero in history.  “Chariots of Fire” is another great choice.

Give them You.  Stay involved and interested.  Hang out, have fun, keep communication open.

Casual Mentors with Similar Interests. Contact your local college or church requesting an exceptional student with the sport or skill interest of your son.  Interview him and offer to pay him to coach your son.  Encourage the relationship with family barbeques, etc.

Extracurricular Activities with an organization.  Connect with church youth groups, Campus Life, Junior Achievement, Boy Scouts.  These organizations have volunteers who want to influence youth.  Bill Beausay calls them Pockets of Power, “All you need to do is arrange transportation, give thanks to God for people like this, and get out of the way”. (“Shaping the Man Inside Teenage Boys”)


BONNIE CHRISTENSEN
Woman Gone Wise

MORNINGS & PRIORITIES

It is SO hard to pull yourself out of bed at 5 am. The covers are so warm and squishy, the pillow still has the perfect indent from your nog and everyone around you is still asleep...why get up?

You swing your feet out of bed but they are instantly cold and sockless. "A trip to the bathroom might help wake me up." you think as you stomp off, Neanderthal-esque to the John, scratching your butt and yawning throughout the journey. Oops...you fell back asleep on the toilet but startled yourself awake when your wrist support for your head gave way. Numbness on your butt has started to kick in which means it is a good time to change locations so AHHHHHHH! As you stood up, the bond of flesh to toilet seat ripped apart leaving you wondering how long you actually sat there and what life might be like if you had a padded toilet seat like your gramma. Thoughts quickly turn back to the math problem as you calculate if you still have time to crawl back in bed before the kids wake up.

The inner argument begins "But there is so much to do. And if I don't do my Bible Study and reading, take my shower and plan my day RIGHT NOW, it will never happen!" Ugh.

Am I the only one who does this?

Of course, following that bold argument, I spend about 20 minutes trying to rationalize how I CAN fit these EVER-SO important aspects of my day in at a later time, meaning I can honestly go back to bed. The interrupted, crappy sleep that will ensue is somehow more appealing than the one-on-one, quiet time with God that I will be overwhelmingly thankful for in the end.

At the foot of my bed, in total hesitation, I have a choice to make. Warm, comfy bed with no chance of a REM cycle that I prefer to call "rest time" OR quiet time with Jesus and prayer that He will sustain me through the day due to my obedience? Today...Jesus won. Tomorrow, another battle but today...my quiet time with Jesus was more refreshing than 20 Diet Cokes. I love that I am taken out of my comfort zone for two hours before the rest of my world wakes up. I love that those two hours of yawning and fighting my heavy eyelids means I am prepared for whatever the day brings because I began by asking Jesus to join me. And I am sure you all love that I showered. :)

AMY BALLARD

AmyBPhotography.COM

PS> Verse in photo is Proverbs 31:15. I try and keep myself in check with what God considers "a wife of noble character". Lately, of course, this particular line stands out to me! ;)

EVERY LITTLE GIRL WANTS HER DADDY’S LOVE

She twirls like a ballerina in her new holiday dress and shiny shoes, “Daddy, don’t I look pretty?” 

She jumps into his arms of safety after he encourages, “Come on sweetheart - you can do it - daddy will catch you!” 

She loves holding her father’s big, strong hand as they walk places and she adores hearing his voice call her his ‘little princess’.

‘She’ is every little girl - and she yearns for her daddy’s love as she begins to grow up. 

Not only would I testify to this for myself but I have had a front row seat observing the relationship between our only daughter and her daddy.

I’ve been taken aback as I have watched the yearning in my daughter’s eyes for her daddy’s belief in her capability. I see the incredible difference her father’s reactions make in her perception of her talents or skills. His words determine the outcome of her self-assurance and potential -- one encouraging word can literally boost her confidence to dream and risk and one critical word can send her straight to the land of insecurity, doubting herself. Fathers affirm competence and set the path for a woman to believe “I don’t have to prove myself. I can do anything.”

It’s amazing how my husband has become her ‘personal mirror’. The truth is that so much of of her self-image is reflected in the way her father sees her, the way he interacts with her, and the way he talks about her to others. If he compliments her and assures of her beauty, she feels like the most lovely young lady in the land. However, a simple throw-away comment or too much teasing can confirm her inner thoughts of ugliness; ugliness that no amount of make-up can cover. Yet, most dads don’t realize the power they hold in establishing their daughter’s self-worth.

Experience shows that fathers are very important role models for their daughters, especially in the puberty and teen years. A father is the first male that a girl comes to intimately know, and he can set the stage for how his daughter interacts in future relationships, especially with men. Just the other day our daughter declared to her dad that “he ruined her!” My husband exclaimed, “What? That sounds horrible - what on earth do you mean that I ruined you?” She went on to explain that, when it came to dating and marriage, he set the bar very high. She admires that he loves God so openly and has such a giving heart. She respects that he is a strong man with a tender heart. But, mostly, she never doubts that he loves his wife completely, creatively, and faithfully - and she has watched it all firsthand. Therefore, she isn’t going to settle for anything less in a young man. 

So, from a mother’s perspective, let me encourage every daddy out there to invest big in his little girl’s life. 

• Please support her interests and ask questions about what she is involved in. Build her up every chance you get. Be there for her games or performances. There is no substitute for your presence.

• Please compliment her. Hug her. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is a million times while she grows up. Realize the powerful mirror you are in her life.

• Please “ruin her” and set the bar high by the way you treat your wife. Make your daughter feel like you want to be close to her. Take her on a date. Show her how she should be treated.

Dads, no one replaces the place you hold in her heart. 

Every little girl and every big girl wants her daddy’s love.

Share with me how your dad made you feel loved or how your husband shows special love to your daughter.

P.S. - Send this to a dad of a daughter.

CHRISTIE LEE RAYBURN

ChristieLeeRayburn.com

SORRY MOM, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT!

“Mom, I have something to tell you”.

I looked up at my youngest boy, grimacing as he often does.

“I put a dent in your van door.  You can’t see it much, but I did it.”

Sometimes I can’t tell what the truth is with that little grimace of his.  “Are you joking?”

“No.”

As we stepped through the hall the self-talk began, “Stay calm, Bonnie”.  The Spirit of God reminded my heart, “It’s only temporary”.

I glanced at the van and the first of many dents which will remain unrepaired.  Then I gathered my thoughts, “I have 3 things to tell you”.

My son leaned against the van as the words came calmly.  “First, thank you very much for telling the truth.  I appreciate that.  You made a good character choice.”

“Second, just because I forgive you doesn’t mean you can start bashing our belongings around and- -“, his defenses began to build and he interrupted with his reasons why the dent occurred.

“Wait quietly please while I finish”.  He stood up straight as he uncharacteristically zipped his lips.

“Third, even if we take super good care of this van, do you think it will get many dents and scrapes over the years?”

“Yes.”

“I think in about 20 years this van is going to be a piece of junk.  But in the years to come, I am certain you will never become a piece of junk.”

He giggled.

“I think this van will be like all of our other belongings, they will rust or rot and get pretty crappy.  But you won’t.”

He began wiggling, giggling and loosening up while he listened.

“Jesus says all of our material things will pass away, but people and the Word of God will last forever.  So what do you think means more to me, this shiny new van or my boy?”

His cheeks rose high as he smiled a confident smile.  “I do”.

We turned back into our home and he ran upstairs giggling uncontrollably.  His heart was filled and affirmed with his Mama’s unconditional love.

He shouted from the top of the stairs with a voice bubbling over in joy, “I’m sorry Mom, but it was worth it!”

My heart was filled with its own joy.  I may even be thankful for a tiny little dent which helped a tender heart grasp a huge eternal perspective and a deeper knowledge of being loved.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

WOMANGONEWISE.COM

BIKINIS FOR 7 YEAR OLDS!?!?

I am the mother of a six-year-old and despite the subject matter that I speak about, write about and research for my day job, we are extremely conservative at home. Just the other day, my daughter chastised me for using the “D” word. It’s probably not what you think…I had commented that something was “dumb”.  And, for the record, the word “stupid” might as well be cussing in our household.

When it comes to my own profession, I also realize the prudence in speaking openly about sexual questions that come up. A few have with Riley…although not as many as I was expecting by this age. When she does broach the subject, I ask for clarity on what it is she is trying to learn and why, so that I can answer the question simply and truthfully but not answer too much. (There’s the old joke of the Dad who went into a lengthy explanation about sex to his child who asked “what’s sex”, only to find out that the child had been told by his mother that “dinner would be ready in a few “secs”.) I try to balance healthy candor about the subject of sexuality with the fact that we hold pretty conservative values as a family.

So, I was horrified to learn that Abercrombie & Fitch has just marketed a bikini for 7-year-old girls with a PUSH UP TOP.



Really????  Seriously!?!  Are you kidding me!!???

We are facing an epidemic of little girls growing up believing that their bodies are inadequate because of the ridiculous amount of media pressure to be a perpetual size 0, and yet they want to send a message to our 7-year-olds that their pre-pubescent chests are inadequate? It’s ludicrous.

But, as CNN’s LZ Granderson points out, companies such as Abercrombie & Fitch would not sell such items if there were not parents who buy them. Companies have increasingly pushed the boundaries on what is and what is not appropriate for teens and children for years, and have been allowed a ridiculous amount of latitude from parents. As parents, it is our duty to make sure that our children wear items that reflect a healthy amount of self-respect rather than just what is the latest fashion. As Granderson says,

I don’t care how popular Lil’ Wayne is, my son knows I would break both of his legs long before I would allow him to walk out of the house with his pants falling off his butt. Such a stance doesn’t always makes me popular — and the house does get tense from time to time — but I’m his father, not his friend.

Thank you, LZ for making the point that is so often lost on my peers. We did not give birth to children so that we could have life-long buddies. When we chose to produce off-spring, we were making a decision to train these little beings how to love themselves and how love others. Decisions that fall within these parameters do not necessarily make us popular with our children, but they do make us good parents.

Because of my job, I get asked all the time how to talk to kids about sex.  There are lots of opinions on that subject – when to start, how much to share, what’s age appropriate information.  But I don’t even have to broach any of those points to get to the basic premise here: Talking to your kids about sex includes how you let them dress – or how you choose to dress them.

That’s my take-away for this blog post.  But in the interest of fairness, I should say that Abercrombie & Fitch have agreed to remove the term “push up” from the title in favour of the less incendiary “striped triangle”, but have continued selling the padded bikinis.

What are you thoughts?

ERYN-FAYE FRANS
Canada's Passion Coach ®
erynfaye.com

A GLORIOUS AFTERNOON

The other day I went to Starbucks and read. By myself. For hours. It was one of the most glorious afternoons I’ve had in quite some time. 

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to relaxing I feel guilty. It’s hard for me to sit still when I know there is work to be done. So I end up “watching a movie” which really means vacuuming, washing dishes, and folding laundry. Or I’ll go for a walk which I rush through while mentally creating a list of what needs to get done the second I’m back home. 

Although I usually feel a (self-centered and prideful) sense of accomplishment after not relaxing all week, I am also cranky, tired, and burdened with everything that hasn’t been finished yet. Imagine my surprise when, after my relaxing afternoon at Starbucks, I returned to my work with MORE energy (shocking, right?).

God tells me to rest. I don’t have to do a lot of studying or interpreting to understand Psalm 46:10, “be still and know that I am God.” Even if there was no benefit from resting (not the case), God’s authority in my life should be enough of a reason to obey. 

Join me in experiencing God’s blessings that come through rest. Get it on your calendar, ask a friend to watch your kids, leave the dirty dishes in the sink for a few more hours, and give yourself time to relax! 

LINDSAY HALE