QUESTIONING COUNTRY CLUB CHRISTIANITY

One of my greatest struggles is balancing my public and personal personas. On one hand, I am an expert in the field of intimacy, and on the other, I am just a girl. One moment I am dispensing advice on the radio, TV or to a live audience, and the next I am making lunches, helping with homework and chatting with a friend. I have worked very hard to develop both my career and my relationships, but some days, especially when I feel like I am screwing up more than usual, the dichotomy between the two worlds becomes very painful. Who am I to speak about being kind to one another when I want to stuff those horrible words I uttered back in my mouth? Who am I to talk about balance when I can’t hear what my daughter is telling me because I am too absorbed with work? Who am I to talk about the wonders of marriage when Eric and I just had a knock-down drag out…on the way to the marriage conference?

In those moments of feeling like a complete fraud and failure, I realize that I am not alone. I remember the pastor’s wife who felt like she would get kicked out of the church if anyone found out that she loved Harlequin romances, the Marriage Ministry pastor who hated sex and lived like roommates with her husband, the youth leader who felt forever tainted because of a little action in the back seat of a car when she was a teenager, the elder who struggled daily with a porn addiction, and the pastor’s wife who was in love with another woman. There are other people who struggle with their public and personal realities as well. We all just do it in secret.

Sometime over the past 2000+ years, we have drifted into a country club type of Christianity. We have to show up perfectly polished and radiant. We have to look good. We have to be successful. We have to be winning the battle. Sin? Sure, that’s something that I deal with…but not often…and I gain victory over it quickly. Church is very rarely a place where you can be anything other than the public persona. Did you just find out that your husband has been cheating on you? Did you just get let go from work? Did you scream at your kids on the drive? Then put happy smiles on your faces as you walk through the door because you are going to worship Jesus.

And yet, the Jesus I read about hung out with the tainted, the screw-ups, the outsiders, and the unwanted. He had endless compassion for the people who came to him with the realization that they didn’t have it all together. In fact, the only people who pissed him off were the religious folks who, well, refused to acknowledge anything but their public personas. So why do we work so diligently to hide our sin when the church should be a place of refuge for all of us who realize how deeply broken we really are? Why do we feel the need – in our ministries and public lives – to have everything figured out, all the time?

I don’t have it together all the time. In fact, probably not even most of the time. But I also have a deeply held belief that I cannot lead other people places I myself fear to tread. If I refuse to acknowledge or examine the difficult, the scary, the thorny, the inconvenient, the ugly, and the broken parts of myself, and I am the “expert,” then what hope can I offer to the “broken” people who show up in my office?

The simple and tidy answer that the “Christian expert” would offer is, of course, I offer the hope of Jesus. And while there is truth to that – I grew up an evangelical, singing the lines, Jesus is the answer for the world today – I know that life is rarely simple and tidy. I think it’s disingenuous of us to offer up the trite “Jesus is the answer” when Jesus rarely answered questions directly when he was walking on the earth. He liked to remain silent, to tell stories or to respond with a question.

Somewhere along the line, we became afraid of questions and started worshiping the answers. Jesus camped out in the questions. I believe we will still find him there today. Because when we walk naked into the questions, we have stripped away our façade, our arrogance and our pretense, and have become those whom Jesus said he was sent to. “It is not the healthy who need a physician but the sick. But go and learn what this means, ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.”

So after all the training, all the studying, and all the years of “becoming an expert,” what I can offer is exactly what I need myself: compassion, empathy and understanding. It is from this place that Jesus still works miracles.

ERYN-FAYE FRANS, Canada's Passion Coach ®

ErynFaye.com

10 ACTS OF COMPASSION TO ENCOURAGE YOUR NEIGHBOR

I stood in my heels next to our Lexus as I talked with a woman on the sidewalk.  She sat in her wheelchair as she told me about her recent trials.  Pointing to her crunched up toes, she explained her feet hurt because she had to squeeze them into a pair of old shoes that were a size too small.

My heart remembered, “To whom much is given, much is required”.

I see it more everyday.  People counting their last pennies to pay for their groceries, or taking items out of their cart in order to pay for the minimal amount of food they need.  I see more and more children walking to school who have outgrown their clothing and their coats.

People are stretched financially and stressed out emotionally.  Although we have our own challenges financially and emotionally as a family, we have so much in comparison.  What can I do with my resources: my time, my extra change, for the good of my neighbors?

1. Be aware of someone struggling to pay for their groceries in the grocery line.  Discretely offer to pay for them.
2. Offer to wrap gifts and help write letters at a local home for the elderly.
3. Cook and deliver a meal together to someone recovering from surgery or physical limitations.
4. Adopt a family in need:  buy a meal card or a Target card, and deliver it anonymously.
5. Collect canned foods while Christmas Caroling and deliver it to the local food shelter.
6. Christmas Carol, play musical instruments or create a dance or drama for a nursing home.  Give out lotion, chapsticks or personal artwork.
7. Read for children at a local hospital or library.
8. Whenever you buy a coat or shoes for yourself or children, give away the extra coat or shoes you own.
9. Babysit for a single parent.  Give mom or dad a mental break and invite their child to hang out in your home.
10. Give a special needs family a break and offer to watch their child for a few hours or overnight for a much-needed getaway.

How do you serve your neighbors?  What simple things can you do this week to incorporate a lifestyle of compassion?

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

Woman Gone Wise

10 ACTS OF COMPASSION FOR KIDS AGE 10 AND UNDER

In a series of posts, “A World Beyond ME”, we will look at 40 acts of compassion for kids and their families.  Today, we are considering 10 Acts of Compassion kids age 10 and under can engage in with their families.

Because you want your children to grow in their capacity for compassion, allow them to have their creative input in your service choice.  Come alongside them as you serve, nudging them to take initiative.

While you participate in acts of compassion with your family, be aware you are a role model as you enjoy the service. Your kids are watching your interactions,  your attitudes ,and your acceptance of others. Don’t forget to let your kids use their own hands and feet and voice!  This is the best way for them to build upon their confidence and ability to care for others.

1. Run or walk with an organized 5k to support your favorite charity:  Special Olympics, Breast Cancer Research, Run to Feed the Hungry
2. Raise your own funds to support your favorite charity through garage sales, car washes, or another creative idea.
3. Mow the lawn together, shovel snow off a sidewalk or take out the trash for an elderly neighbor.
4. Share your talents or play games and cards with folks at a local home for the elderly.
5. Find out about shut-ins at your church who may need errands run, a homemade dinner,  items fixed, windows cleaned or junk dumped.
6. Serve dirty water at dinner, and then talk about raising or saving money for many people who do not have clean drinking water or wells (www.thewaterproject.org)
7. Create artwork to thank someone or encourage someone in need of some emotional support.
8. Do a family member’s chores at home.  Consider doing it on the sly or leave a special “anonymous” note.
9. Bring baked goods to the local fire station and create a handmade thank you card.
10. Donate your old books to a child in need.  Pick up an extra coloring book at the store.  Consider local churches, shelters, libraries or Head Start to bring your donation.

We would love to hear your ideas and experiences engaging your children ages 10 and under in compassionate acts!  Please add to the list your ideas.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN

Woman Gone Wise

15 BENEFITS OF RAISING COMPASSIONATE KIDS

Brother encourages brother at Special Olympics

In my ministry and family experiences of working with young people, I am convinced those who are encouraged to develop empathy and exercise compassion in their lives benefit richly. Consider the character development that occurs in your children as you provide opportunities for them to show compassion.

• Kids who volunteer learn to look beyond their own needs and desires.
•  Self-pity decreases.  They are more likely to take their eyes off of their own problems and see them in perspective of others who have great need.
• Self-importance decreases.  Their narrow adolescent world grows as they increasingly experience the needs of others.
• They are more likely to embrace the value of treating others as they themselves want to be treated.
• Self-indulgence decreases as they desire to give their resources to others in need.
• Serving others brings a sense of purpose and mission to their existence (Ephesians 2:10)
• Serving others brings personal fulfillment, satisfaction and joy as they are doing what they were created to do (Ephesians 2:10)
• Acts of compassion promote a higher level of self-esteem due to their ability to make a contribution.
• Moral responsibility and character are developed as children consider others in need.
•  Acts of service and compassion develop a child’s ability to accept and communicate effectively with a diverse culture.
• Volunteering to help others creates unique opportunities for children to use their talents and creative abilities for a purpose.
• Serving beside others creates new friendships and builds positive memories with peers.
• Compassionate children influence a generation, a school, and community.
• Serving beside others promotes multi-generational understanding and respect.
• Compassionate experiences in childhood help shape character and life-long patterns for adulthood.

This month I will be posting a series, “A World Beyond ME: Raising Compassionate Kids”.  I hope you will share your own thoughts and experiences as you follow along.

BONNIE CHRISTENSEN
Woman Gone Wise